August 27, 2010

My Story - My Loss

My name is Jamie. I'm a high school English teacher, speech team coach, mother to a 3.5 year old girl named Beth, and married to the most caring, understanding, giving man alive! Praise the Lord, I was saved the summer before my senior year in high school. I've been growing in the Lord since then; however, He rocked my world on August 4th of this year when I saw on an ultrasound that our baby, that was supposed to be 8 weeks, was only measuring 6 weeks. Also that day, the heart I had seen beating on my birthday just a week before had stopped beating...


Let me back up a little. My husband and I always knew we wanted 2 children, knew (and still know) that God had that plan for us. We started praying when Beth was 3 as to when we should start on baby number 2 - then one morning in my quiet time, my girl awoke and caught me praying. :-) She knelt beside me and said, "Watcha doing mommy?" I replied, "Praying." She paused, thought about that, then commanded, "Well, pray!" So with her kneeling beside me I started to pray that we would be good and Jesus would be pleased with us... then my child breaks in and says, "Jesus, please give my mommy a baby!" Well, needless to say, we had our answer. We started to try to conceive...

In July, we saw a positive pregnancy test! On my birthday, July 26, we went in for the first ultrasound at 7 weeks and knew something was wrong... we could see a heartbeat, a sac, but not much else. The doctor asked if my timing could be off... if maybe I wasn't as far along as I had thought... However, I knew my timing wasn't off. She took some blood, and we started the wait and see game.

The blood revealed that I had low progesterone, so she put me on prometrium. Everything I read online said prometrium prescribed during the 7th week was more like a last ditch effort to save a miscarriage - and it rarely works. I was so worried, but I hung on to every shred of hope I could find! However, as stated above, on Wednesday, Aug. 4th, via ultrasound, we saw the baby had developed some more, but there was no heartbeat. I had started spotting, cramping some, and the very next day I had my miscarriage.

The bleeding was awful! I had taught school that day, in immense pain! The tylenol was taking the edge off though. However, when I got home from work, sat down on the toliet, a lot of blood and clots fell from me... I knew it was the baby. I cried, tried to compose myself cause my daughter was home, called the doctor, and she had me come in for an ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage. The ultrasound showed that everything was on it's way out... no more baby... nothing... The D&C we had scheduled for tomorrow was cancelled. My body, my God, had taken care of what He had started.

I would just love to know why - even though I know I'll never really know in this life. I'm hoping to draw some comfort from His holy word. Life after the miscarriage has been tough. Two days after it, I caught a stomach virus, then I got dehydrated, and then when I tried to return to work after being out for so long, I had a panic attack before school had even started - dizziness and light headedness. It's only now, over 3 weeks later, that I can say physically, I'm getting back to my old self... emotionally, getting better.

I'm different. We're different. We'll never be the same. I miss my baby. We memorialized him/her by buying a special box we put the ultrasound pictures in. We had it engraved, "God Bless our Little Angel - August 5, 2010" I also have purchased a forget-me-not necklace in the baby's memory. These things give me comfort in those few moments I have where I still need to cry. I don't know when we'll try to conceive again, but I do know that a new baby will never replace the one we lost.

Praying healing for everyone who has experienced a loss!
Jamie

8 comments:

  1. Thanks for being so real!!! It's so hard to understand why things like this happen but it is SO good to know that God will never leave our side.....and that your sweet little baby boy or girl is waiting for you in Heaven. That will make that reunion day SO much sweeter!!!

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  2. Thanks for sharing your story, Jamie. You're always in my thoughts and so is your sweet Angel.

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wanted Morgan to have a sibling 2 years apart. I got pregnant in December and my due date was August 31. The very last day I could have a child where that child and Morgan would be 2 years apart in school. I was so excited. We had been trying for 3 months. I was devestated and still don't understand why my prayers were answered and then taken away. I know the blood clots I saw in the toilet were my baby too. I am here to say that things will get better, but really you will have good days and bad days. And you are correct you will be changed forever.

    We have been trying every since (in total for I year now). I'm 40 and after much testing, I basically have a 6% chance of conceiving and carrying a child. This past week my period started after our second unsuccessful round of IUI. I have been devestated and it is only made worse by the upcoming due date.

    Maybe we can talk some time. I am have real faith issues as I have not only prayed for a second child, but also if that is not God's plan for me for Him to fill me with His peace and it has not come.

    Big hugs to you.

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  4. from my devotional Bible, written by Barbara Bush. I have been clinging to this the past couple of months.

    It is common to hear women bemoaning their lack of patience as if it were the most difficult gift to pry from God's hand. In fact, impatience stems almost solely from our exaggerated notions of what is due us. If we could but lower our estimation of the importance of our time, our plans, and our feelings, we would find ourselves almost automatically more patient.

    ... Patience is not the same thing as resignation or the cynical attitude that always expects the worst possible outcomes.

    Patience is a more positive trait. It is the ability to bear affliction, delay, and interruption with calmness, perseverance, and confidence in the goodness of God (Colossians 1:11-12). It is inward peace as well as outward control. It is the submission of our schedules, our viewpoints, our dreams to the greater plan of God, wth the conviction that he has a good reason for every delay he allows tocome our way.

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  5. Bow the Knee by Russell K. Carter

    There are moments on our journey following the Lord
    Where God illumines ev’ry step we take.
    There are times when circumstances make perfect sense to us,
    As we try to understand each move He makes.
    When the path grows dim and our questions have no answers, turn to Him.

    Bow the knee;
    Trust the heart of your Father when the answer goes beyond what you can see.
    Bow the knee;
    Lift your eyes toward heaven and believe the One who holds eternity.
    And when you don’t understand the purpose of His plan,
    In the presence of the King, bow the knee.

    There are days when clouds surround us, and the rain begins to fall,
    The cold and lonely winds won’t cease to blow.
    And there seems to be no reason for the suffering we feel;
    We are tempted to believe God does not know.
    When the storms arise, don’t forget we live by faith and not by sight.

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. This one really helped me right after my miscarriage. Unfortunately we are now part of a sisterhood we never asked to join.

    A Pair of Shoes:
    I am wearing a pair of shoes.
    They are ugly shoes.
    Uncomfortable shoes.
    I hate my shoes.
    Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
    Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
    Yet, I continue to wear them.
    I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
    They are looks of sympathy.
    I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
    They never talk about my shoes.
    To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
    To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
    But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
    I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
    There are many pairs in this world.
    Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
    Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
    Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
    No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
    Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
    These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
    They have made me who I am.
    I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

    Author unknown

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  8. I finally starting reading your blog, as you just gave a blog award to Katharine, and I was interested in seeing who it came from. As I read this entry, it touched my heart, because, like you, I got to see my angel's heart beating on my birthday (the day after yours) : ). 2 weeks later we found out it no longer was. I am happy to hear you are pregnant again, and will pray for you and baby's health.

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