I just read my last post and thought, "Wow, it kinda sounds like I'm okay with having had a miscarriage." Here's some of what I wrote in that post...
Then I'll thank Jesus for having held this little one for the short 8 weeks that I got, and I'll thank Him for how he/she has changed my life (for better and worse) because He's using it to improve me and to help others.
Let me just say, I'm not okay with having had a miscarriage. And like I said in my last post, the sadness still comes... However, when I read that - and what I hope others see in what I posted when they read it is - I see acceptance.
Now, acceptance doesn't mean you are okay with something. Acceptance is kind of like... um... searching for word... resignation? In a way? Yeah, I think that's it. I've resigned myself to my new reality. To God's reality for me - which in my heart I know is the better one but in my head I'll never comprehend it.
So, I'm at that stage in the whole grief process of acceptance. Now, if I could just find acceptance with TTC - that is trying to conceive.
I've been temping - that is taking my basal body temperature in the morning, and yesterday I bought an OPK - ovulation predictor kit - because my chart seemed to have spiked... well, I got, what I think, is a positive OPK. :-) I'm happy that it looks like I ovulated. I was worried about that - whether or not I ovulated - last month when I didn't get pregnant. Actually, I think I'm ovulating sooner than my "normal" which is why I missed the egg last month. I'm no longer at typical 28 day cycle.
However, Michael and I have been like rabbits every other day since my period ended and are continuing on that trend for this next week because... I REALLY WANT A BFP BEFORE HALLOWEEN!!! And, I'm pretty sure I'll get it - God willing that is! ;-)
In fact, there's where I need to find acceptance now. I need to accept it is ultimately under God's control whether or not an egg is fertilized and sticks... and... stays...
Facebook Status: Praying for acceptance of His timing and will in my life!
{{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteI know for me it was more about wanting to replace the baby I lost. I don't know if it was that I had to experience the due date of the baby I lost to find peace, but that is when I found it. I ended up talking with a someone because I was a complete mess. The big theme of what we talked about was me letting go of deadlines. I think that is when I finally and truly turned things over to God.
I know it sounds so cliche, but you are young. If God provided for an old lady like me, he will do the same for you. Just try not to get too caught up in the ttc. It causes so much stress in and of itself. That being said, I'll check to see if I have any OPKs left and will bring them to you.
Love you.