October 2, 2010

a moment, please...

I've got a lot going on right now.  A lot of little things pulling at me for my attention - the closets crying out to be cleaned and winter clothes to be put out... the laundry that I let pile up last week and is now waiting to be finished... my sunday school lesson (I teach 2nd grade sunday school) sitting beside me as I type this screaming to be reviewed... a new book I bought today calling my name...  and, my little girl is asleep right now, but during the day she was most definitely a part of this equation, a nice part ;-) ...

I just need to take a moment to type, to think, to process....  You ever just need a moment to STOP all that your doing and just breathe?  That's what I'm doing right now... breathing... as I type (I'm a multi-tasker ;-)...

Thought I'd throw out some updates concerning me...  The charting of my body temp has begun. I'm even putting the information into an online system called fertilityfriend.com.  It's pretty kewl!  Anyway, it's silly how excited I've been to hop out of bed in the mornings after quietly taking my temp so that I can jot down what it was... Sadly, I've never gotten out of bed so fast for anything else in my life - not even my quiet time - yes, yes, very convicting moment...

This temping and reading about temping has really put baby makin on my mind.  I'm excited about it, but then, yeah, I guess I'm upset, angry about it too.  You ask, what do you mean by that?  Well, here's an example of what I mean...

I was shopping with my little girl today, looking for some warmer clothes as the weather begins to get chilly here, and I saw a shirt that would have been perfect for Beth... would have been... could have been... if I was still pregnant with our Angel Baby.  It said, "Big Sister!"  :-(((  And I wanted to cry, right there, in my favorite store - Kohls.  Beth demanded my attention for something, so it was a quick moment... come and gone.  But it was a moment.   It snuck up on me.  I haven't had a moment like that in awhile.

Then suddenly, I was unhappy - depressed - mad.  Yeah, I guess mad.  We're studying how to deal with our anger this week in the online miscarriage bible study that I'm taking.  Anger isn't something I've experienced too much with this miscarriage - sadness, yes, but not anger.  Yet today, I was angry.  Angry that I wasn't pregnant AND angry at having to try to conceive all over again... at having to wait to get a BFP... at knowing then I'll have to wait to see the doctor... then I'll have to wait to feel even the least bit comfortable about the pregnancy until I get past my 1st trimester... and then also angry to know that even if I do clear the imaginary 1st trimester hurdle, that doesn't really mean anything....

(((sigh)))  ---breath---  Okay, that's out.  Thanks for letting me get that out.  I'll be okay... just needed to release all that somewhere, and I'm glad to have this blog and caring people who read it.  ((hugz to all))

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Jamie. I am so feeling you tonight. Not on the same level, but that ugly nasty postpartum anxiety crept up on me today and stole my happiness. It's awful how things like that sneak up on us.

    Just remember that anger is one of the stages of grief. It's totally normal. It's completely okay. And it is not forever.

    Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete

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