November 10, 2010

I'm okay - don't worry about me!

I just need to say a few things.

I was pregnant. We were so excited for the new life growing inside of me.  We started thinking of names.  We started preparing the nursery.  This child would complete our family.  Then, he/she was gone.  At 8 weeks.

This was that baby.  With no heart beat.  HE/SHE WAS A BABY! A LIFE!


Here's a picture of a baby at 8 weeks along - for those that need something more "real" than an ultrasound.

Don't disrespect me or that child by saying it wasn't really anything. 

I saw the heart beat, and then I saw it still. 

This was a life.  As a Christian, I know it was a life with a soul - one that is now in heaven and that I will see again some day.

Psalm 139:13-16 13 For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb. (see above pic)
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

I love verses 15 and 16 because they testify that the baby had a soul - existed - before God ever began forming him/her inside me. 

Proof that even at 8 weeks or less a baby has a soul, a presence, is a being, a life can be seen when Mary, mother of Jesus, went to see Elisabeth, mother of John the Baptist.  As soon as Mary is told she is pregnant by the angel, a total surprise to her so it's probably before she misses her monthly period, Mary - the bible says - hurriedly goes to see Elisabeth who is 6 months pregnant.  When Mary walks through the door - probably now no more than 8 weeks pregnant, probably less, Elisabeth is moved by the presence, the child within Mary.  In fact, Elisabeth's child is moved by the presence/child in Mary and responds as well.

"When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit." (Luke 1:41)
My baby was real!  Acknowledge that OR KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!  I don't want to hear that you think I should get over it because all I lost was some tissue that was obviously deformed.  How insensitive!

My Angel Baby's days were only  numbered at 8 weeks.

Deuteronomy 32:39 39 “See now that I myself am he!
   There is no god besides me.
I put to death and I bring to life,
   I have wounded and I will heal,
   and no one can deliver out of my hand.

I KNOW God is in control - there is a reason my Angel Baby only existed for 8 days.  Some reasons I think I know, others of which I won't know until I get to heaven.  I rest in this; I find peace in this; however, I'm only human - I will still grieve my loss.  I will be sad at times.  But...

1 Thessalonians 4:13 13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

I grieve, but not like one who despairs and falls into a griping depression so much so that I can't move on. I grieve with hope!  I will see that baby one day, in the arms of my beautiful precious savior! In fact, I praise our Lord for this!  I've drawn closer to Him because of it.  I think I'm becoming stronger in my faith - and I'm now able to minister those who've experienced a similar loss.

So don't tell me I need to see a counselor or get into some kind of therapy because I still at times feel sad about the loss of that beautiful life. 

My grief is natural!  It's not unusual. It's understandable, not incomprehensible.  I didn't just loose some tissue that had the potential to become a human - I lost our baby!  If you don't believe in God's Word that teaches this, then please don't talk to me about my loss - KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

I'm okay - don't worry about me!

7 comments:

  1. Unless someone has been through it themselves, they cannot fully understand a loss like you've experienced. I'm sorry for whatever hurtful words (well-meaning though they may have been) that have reached your ears. I love the verses you listed. They continue to pull me through some dark days, as I know they will you, too. Hugs to you, my friend! ♥

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  2. AMEN! Like Kim said above, people just don't understand unless they have been through it. Just the other day I received a letter from a friend. I thought it might be a sympathy card, but it was her baby's birth announcement. The baby that was born 3 weeks before my due date in August. While she did nothing wrong, it still hurt.

    The thing that scares me most is that my miscarriage hurt like I thought it would hurt to lose Morgan and now I'm so scared to lose her because I know the pain would be 10x worse.

    People don't realize that you have lost a dream of what you thought was supposed to be. As you said, you even had names picked out. I take comfort in your strength and faith, because right now I have very little of either one.

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  3. Amen and amen. I'm just realizing how hurt I really was and how I burried it with my miscarriage before Audrey. And through the bible study, God gave me an understanding of my 6 week baby's soul and I gave him a name. I prayed for weeks that God would show me if it was a boy or girl and he did. I believe with all my heart that God calls your baby by name too. I hate that ppl consider miscarriages "a passing of tissues" They really do need to keep thier mouths shut!

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  4. Oh they so need to keep their mouths shut! I truly hope that you are fine after having to deal with such insensitivity. I didn't have your strength and did fall into a griping depression when I lost my baby back in Nov. of 2001...9 years ago and I still have moments where I feel sad about that life that I was never able to physically hold and love. I too rest in the fact that I will one day meet that precious soul in Heaven. *hugs hun*

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  5. I agree, people say all the wrong things :(

    Sorry that your heart is hurting and for the pain you are feeling. I can say that I have walked this broken road and it is the most difficult thing I have ever been through. You never get over it, you just get through it.

    Don't let other people taint your thoughts about therapy. Trust me, it took me a long time to go, as I was convinced I was dealing okay on my own and took it as a very negative comment, personal, yes. However, I finally caved, couldn't cope on my own, was out of resources and honestly I was exhausted by the constant grief and pain. I landed on a therapist sofa (one recommended by my RE) and cried my eyes out. Unlike "the outsiders", she understood it all, was gracious, sympathetic and said that we'd get through this in "my time". She understood what so many others did not.

    This is your life sweet friend and you get to make all the rules. Others just don't like seeing us sad. My struggle with loss and infertility strained many relationships with family and friends because they simply did not understand. They wanted me to "just get over it and move on"! But, that is just not possible for someone who has lost their child. Not only did we lose our child, but we lost dreams and a life that we had planned for that child. You will heal in your own time and your own way. I did not even start to heal until around 9 the nine month mark...it took time, lots of prayer and much soul searching. And a loving husband that was patient and understanding.

    Much love to you and continued prayers.
    xxx

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  6. I am so sorry that someone is making you feel like you have to justify your baby's life. Fortunately, the One that really matters knows how important your baby was for His purpose in this world. Of course your baby was a life, one that was brief, but still a life, and the fact that someone cannot understand that is beyond me.

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  7. I love you, girl, and I am so, so sorry that someone who should be comforting you more than anyone else would say such horrifying things. That life that existed? Has done great things already. That baby has brought you strength you never knew existed within you. It has also brought you hope.

    And, I like to think it's brought you friends and people with whom you know you can share anything. (Uh, me...hello. I'm queen of the overshare.)

    I'm so, so sorry someone said such asinine things regarding the life of your child.

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