With each day I'm off from work, I'm more and more thankful for the time! As badly as I've been feeling with this pregnancy, things that I could have gotten done in one day have taken me all week long to get accomplished - like cleaning and preparing the house for my daughter's birthday party. Seriously, I don't know how I would have gotten everything ready without these days off! They have been a God send!!
On that same note, I got to dust! I don't do this often, but some pieces of furniture needed desperate attention! I started in my bedroom this morning, and I came across the place where we keep our Angel's memorial box. Since I found out I was pregnant and got really sick with nausea and fatigue, I'd stopped lighting a candle next to the box for awhile. I used to be really consistent about doing this. However, most days/nights if I'm not asleep on the couch, I'm at work. So, I just hadn't done it. When I came to it today to dust that area, I felt... um.... sad. Like I'd failed our Angel by not lighting his/her candle more regularly. Well, I took care of that immediately!
It's not as if being pregnant with my rainbow has made me miss my Angel any less or made me think of him/her less. On the contrary! I think it's made me miss him/her more! A fellow blogger who had a loss and is now also pregnant at the same time as me with her rainbow said it best, ""How do you stop yourself from thinking about the baby you lost every time you think about the baby you are carrying?" And really, I don't know the answer to that question....
In addition to this frustration, I'm not making any progress with my memorial forget-me-not angels idea. You know how I made some and then planted one to see how it would do? Well, then I went on Christmas vacation up north and forgot to tell the girl watching the house and the animals to water it, so they died
:-((( major Angel mommy fail - blah!
To make matters worse, it's hard to get up the energy to go through the process of making more right now. I'm still hoping to get these angels made for ya'll in March - the month my Angel was due - but I'm bummed about my lack of progress.
Well, in the words of Scarlet O'Hara, "Tomorrow is another day!"
Jamie - I agree that having a rainbow baby often times makes you feel like you miss your angel more than you thought possible. For me, because our rainbow is nearing 10 months of age, it's all the things he is doing! I miss River, I will never get to see him do those things, our rainbow does make most days easier, because he makes me smile, even when I really don't feel like it. I am grateful to have him with me on earth, while I learn to be an angel mommy as well.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself Jamie - you can only do as much as you can. You'll get to your growing angels soon....an dour baby was also due in March...March 10th for us. I also haven't been lighting the candle, but I still have the tree up and figure that's a good replacement. Hang in there - and give yourself permission to slow down :-)
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