so it's March

So, it's March.  The month our Angel was due.  I can't remember what the specific due date was.  I just know that this was the month back in July that I thought I would be bringing home a baby.  The baby I thought would complete our family.  God had other plans for that little life...

Well, God and this world. 

I've come to realize that what happened to me back in August, the miscarriage, it happens.  Now, I knew that. I know and knew that it is VERY commonplace.  However, what's taken me some time to wrap my head and heart around is why it happened to me?

The answer?  It's this world!  This fallen, sinful, sick, wrecked world we live in.  Bad things happen - often to good people.  We're the children of Adam and Eve, and this is our problem - we live in a sinful, fallen world.  It's a consequence of who/what we are.  So the fact that I had a miscarriage, well...  for me... the simple truth is that, it happens.  Bad things happen in this world, and no one promised me that I would be exempt from that.  In fact, when I read God's word, it guarantees me that bad things will happen; however, it also guarantees me that my God will be there when they do - carrying me, loving me, healing me, growing me.  And despite the fact that I've been distant at times from Him, I know He's always there for me. 

God didn't cause my miscarriage.  The world, this imperfect world and my imperfect body, caused that miscarriage. Imperfection.  Although, my God allowed it, He didn't cause it - could NEVER cause that!  Sin corrupted this world and us, so my body couldn't handle growing our Angel.  I do believe it saddned my God as much as it did me!  However, like I said before...  He's been with me through my loss.

So that's the answer.  The miscarriage happened to me because miscarriages happen in the world we live in.  For others, there's more of a medical reason as to why a loss happens, something that can be fixed to prevent future losses.  However, for me, that wasn't the case.  Three months later, I became pregnant.  Things have been fine.  And I am now carrying the child that God has chosen to complete our family... 

I do believe that God could have stopped that other loss from happening.  But He didn't.  Partly, I believe that is because He does and must allow bad things to happen.  As I typed earlier, He can't/won't always intervene.  Can I totally wrap my head around that - NO WAY!  However, I know it...

I know that as surely as I know the child I'm carrying now is His will.  I'm reminded of that when I feel him/her kick me - usually at night. ;-)

I guess I just needed to type this all out here as a way to process March.  The month I was expecting Angel but the month we'll discover if it's a boy or girl that will complete our family.  It's a roller coaster month of emotions as far as all that is concerned. 

I'm excited to know the sex of this baby. I feel once we have that information, my real nesting/planning can begin.  :-) 

I'm not typing all this out to somehow say, "I'm over that loss."  No.  That loss, my Angel, will always be a part of me.  I will always strive to remember him/her.  My Angel changed who I am, forever. 

However, the pain has dulled considerably.  I have come to a place of acceptance... I guess that's what you'd call it? 

I needed to type this out... It helps to process my thoughts this way.  Somehow, it makes me less sad.  Leaves me feeling victorious... LOL