I hate this verb.
I hate this feeling!
And as I gazed at my little girl in worry yesterday, I felt God saying to me in so many ways... STOP IT!
As I looked at her perfectly shaped head with full with brown hair - have no idea where she got that?! - and then began to worry about her development (her brain), God said...
29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.[b] 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Yeah. He kinda yelled it at me like that. And has been since then, every time I have a worrisome moment. He keeps yelling at me - I GOT THIS!
But.. um... see... There's this one thing I have discovered when you have a baby who is born early - like say at 37 weeks, like Hannah. This thing I've discovered is that you worry. And not like typical mommy worry, but worry times 10!!! Cause there's nothing nice said on the Internet about 37 gestational weeks old babies and their birth other than... yes, they are term... and yes, they should do fine... but not as fine as if they had cooked a few weeks more.
And I say to myself, GREAT! BIG HUGE MOMMY FAIL!
Okay, now cue the tears. Even though I know she HAD to come out. Even though I KNOW she couldn't wait another day. My placenta was slowly failing her... MY placenta. So she couldn't produce enough amniotic fluid to sustain herself and so didn't even have enough energy to practice breathing anymore. The low amniotic fluid was probably due also to a small leak I just chalked up to common discharge. Again, MOMMY FAIL MOMENT! Oh... and I probably shouldn't think about the fact that my stinkin rapid heart beat was prompting an early c-section anyway... STUPID HEART!
But then I have moments where I just stare at her ears.... SO DARN SMALL! Yet, so darn ... perfect! And again, I hear my savior's voice...
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Again, He tells me - I GOT THIS!
This psychological and emotional struggle of mine has been a bit overwhelming lately. I've finally got a moment where Beth is not here - off with Daddy at the YMCA pool - and it's just Hannah and I, and I can sit and write this all out. I'm looking forward to the start of school - Beth's starting Pre-K. I can then have some time to sit and think... and pray... and get in some kind of normal routine. That will help.
I've struggled with Hannah's mild - really not that bad - mild reflux. Struggled to mean that I of course blame myself for her reflux - I know, silly! Anyway, we've bought new bottles and put her on soy formula - because maybe this silent reflux (as the doctor called it) was brought on by a milk allergy.
A milk allergy that Beth and her daddy both had. They both had to be on soy formula. I should have just started Hannah on that from day one - chalk that up for another MOMMY FAIL!
And so my worry just increases, constantly. What makes it even worse is that Hannah grunts. Sometimes from the reflux during and after feeding, and sometimes just because, and sometimes to poop. Weird. And with each grunt, I again think... if only I could have kept her inside me longer? If only I hadn't failed her.
Then I see all these happy pics on facebook of these women - friends - who've given birth recently - full term - vaginally - successfully - no complications with mom or baby - and looking all great and happy, holding their healthy 40 week term babies. And when you look at my after the birth pic - I look like death warmed over (see previous post). Ugh!
These women had no reason to worry that their newborns wouldn't be anything but perfect. That their deliveries would be anything but perfect. However, me? Before the c-seciton.... it was scary watching my baby on ultrasound... watching her lungs... so still... when they should have been so active. Oh! How I worried so going into that delivery room! And OH! HOW HAPPY I WAS WHEN I HEARD HER SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM!
Sorry for the all caps. I was happy!!!
Anyway, ever since that moment, I worry about her.
I worry about my little Hannah's feet that were so smashed up inside me because of the low amniotic fluid that they've come out a little askew. Three pediatricians - two at the hospital and ours in town - seem unconcerned. They say they'll go back and be perfect on their own. Give it a month. And, yes, I do already see improvement in them.
But, I worry.
And after googling for some bible verses - for a word from my God - about worry... I come across something I can't believe I've forgotten... from my favorite chapter in the bible.
- Philippians 4:6-7 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (NLT)
It's so hard not to worry. She is just beautiful, and I am sure that she is thinking her Mommy is doing everything just perfect for her!! I love the scripture about not worrying about everything, but praying about everything. I must have forgotten that one somewhere along the way!
ReplyDeleteYour Hannah is oh so beautiful!!! You are a great mommy to both of your girls. Try not to doubt that. I know that is easier said than done because we tend to beat ourselves up over every little thing, but you really are a great mommy. Worry is just part of motherhood. We just have to make sure we don't let it overtake us. Like you said, these children are God's children and they are in His hands. There is no better place they could be. I too am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, but I know it will all turn out as it should. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I appreciate them more than you know and boy do I need them right now. These next few weeks hold so many unknowns for our family and that scares the heck out of me. We have Shelby's testing, Benjamin's birth, school starting, my dad coming for a visit and so many other things. Thank you for being there for me and for listening. It is so nice to have a friend like you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers too. God bless you and your beautiful little girls!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Mary