October 15, 2011

missing three

It's pregnancy and infant loss awareness day - really, the whole month is dedicated to this, but tonight is special.

I set the alarm on my cell phone so I would remember to light a candle for our Angel at 7pm to participate in the international wave of light - I wrote about that in my previous post if you aren't familar with it and would like to know more about it.

Right now, I'm watching the light dance against the wall next to Angel's memorial box - the one with his/her ultrasound pics.  It's quiet.... almost time for me to hit the sack...

Yesterday, as I was thinking about lighting the candle tonight, I was pretty emotional.  Michael wasn't yet home from being out of town for work all week, and the girls were sound asleep.  I got to thinking what life would have been like with three children instead of two.  I never thought I wanted more than two children - I never thought God wanted us to have more than two children - but last night... Oh, how I longed to be a family with three kidos.

Really, my feelings about us only ever having two children have ALWAYS been very strong.  We waited to have children until I was 29, and then I knew I didn't want to try to have anymore past age 35.  I wanted to space the two out so that I could really enjoy the first baby, and also so that the first baby would be old enough to enjoy the second with me.  (Really naive of me to think I could plan this way, but....)

I had a plan.

However, God had another plan.

I have three babies.  Beth Grace, Hannah Faith, and Angel Baby. 

And tonight, I am missing having all three here with me safe and sound.

I'm remembering my Angel tonight.  And yours!

(((hugz)))
Jamie

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