Irony

Irony -  Incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result.

That is what I am experiencing right now as I write this post - a heightened sense of irony.  Let me explain...

In a previous post, I wrote this: "Until God says, 'Stop, Jamie. Move in a different direction,' I'll keep juggling my roles as wife, mother, friend, teacher, and coach."

I wrote that expecting not to hear something like that from God any time soon.  And yet, today - just over a week later - I feel a tug on my heart.  I hear a voice in my head saying, "Jamie.  Something has gotta give."  No more coaching speech? Teaching?! I dunno!  What?!?!!

You see, I'm tired, ya'll. Tired.  And, I'm tired of being tired.

But more than that, I'm tired of looking around at my house and watching it fall apart.  I think my husband is picking up on this, and it's why he is right now as I type this at 8:30pm cleaning our bathroom. LOL

But even more than the house looking mighty ghetto lately, I feel as if I'm neglecting Beth. Hannah really doesn't need me as much as Beth does right now.  Hannah can get the things she needs from anyone willing to feed, clean, and hug her.  But Beth, she needs mommy more.

Beth needs a mommy to do school work with her.  A mommy to help her learn how to pronounce her blends and write her numbers.  But this mommy hardly has time to do those basic things with her daughter nowadays.  And even MORE than that? Because I'm often tired and stressed out from work and my dirty house, I am very short with her.  She wears what little patience I have left at the end of the day completely out, and I have major mommy fail moments with my eldest.  This is not good.  This is not acceptable.

So this is why I'm thinking major changes have to be made.  Right? Perhaps it is as simple as saying I can't coach speech anymore.  At least for this season in my life.  For now?  Or perhaps it's that AND looking to teach part time in another county?  I don't know.  I only know one thing really, and that is that something has got to give.

I need to pray about this. God is is a God of joy and peace, even in storms.  Yet, I'm not feeling peaceful.  Just sick.  And tired.

Real. Tired.