August 25, 2013

acknowledging Angel

Last night, I watched an episode of Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition with Chris Powell. 

Side note: I really love this show. So inspirational.  Tuesday nights on ABC. Check it out. You won't be disappointed!

The episode I viewed covered the life of Ashley - a baby loss momma who gained a lot of weight after losing her daughter Ava at 5 months. Ava lived for two hours and was gone...

It was heartbreaking. You can see her story below. If you fast forward to about 26 minutes, you can see where she talks to Chris more about her loss and how she had never really dealt with it.  They do a beautiful balloon release too...



In that clip at 26 minutes, she talks about how she feels as if she "downplayed" Ava's life.  She never really talked about her after losing her. They didn't have a funeral.  She says she felt like Ava was a person, but that by not acknowledging her she had "taken that away" from her daughter. She was here. She existed. 

At that moment, I was so very thankful for this blog.  For this memorial to my girl.  For my memorial and candle I keep on my dresser.  For the things I have done in her name - attending a remembrance event, donating flowers in her name, and running a 5k.

And at that moment - as my husband sat beside me watching this - he took my hand. He acknowledged my grief - our grief - our girl.

And in the car today, on the way home from church, I had this conversation with Beth (who knows all about Angel because I had to explain the candle and memorial in my room to her):

Beth: Mommy. A friend at church today was very sad because she lost her baby sister.

Me: (knowing who she was referring to) Yes. Her sister died some time ago. She was about Hannah's age.  It must be either the anniversary of when she died or her birthday...

Beth: Mommy. She lost her sister like you lost your baby.

Me: Well, Mommy's baby hadn't yet left my stomach, but yes, dear. That was Angel. 

Beth: Yeah... she was your first.

Me: No. You were my first. She was my second. Hannah is my third baby.

Beth: (reaching over to give Hannah a kiss) I love you!

And there I sat, so happy to have said her name. Angel. So happy that Beth knows about her.

I was so happy to have said her name.

She was a part of our family.  She IS a part of our family.

And I can't wait to run in her honor again at the end of September to usher in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

Today's forget-me-not: You, Angel. Always you!

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