January 25, 2011

Before August 2010

I'm on overload, and I don't know what to do!  Maybe it's just hormones; I don't know.  All I do know is that I just want to STOP.  Can't we just rewind and go back to the way things were - how I had planned for them to be?!  Why is nothing working for me lately?!  I just feel... broken.

Before August 2010 happened, things were good. 

I was pregnant with the child I believed God had told me would complete our family.  We were so happy!  Thinking about baby names, even cleaning up the room for the nursery...  Then August happened.  That child was gone. I  was thrown into a confusion that I haven't been able to shake free from.  Even with our rainbow on the way, I can't get happy about this baby. I should be! I was desperate to be pregnant again!  What's wrong with me?!  I can't seem to connect with this baby like I did our Angel!  Michael and I can't seem to talk baby names AND we still haven't gotten back to fixing up the nursery!!  This is not what I expected...

Before August, our finances were doing so well.  We had money saved, bills were being paid down and/or paid off.  We had a plan in place to pay for our Angel's daycare while also paying for Beth's pre-k in 2011.  However, in August, the cars started breaking down - and you know how much car repairs can be!  Then Beth had to have surgery to remove the tubes from her ears that weren't falling out like they were supposed to!  Just a few things here and there, and there went our savings and into debt we fell again.  In fact, now... we have no plan on how to pay for this new baby's daycare while paying for Beth's pre-k in 2011.  And the sick leave I was planning on using so I could still get a paycheck while out on maternity leave is slowly being depleted.  I had to miss a lot of work with my loss in August.  Much of my leave time was sucked away there.  Now what?! If I stay out 12 weeks with our rainbow, we'll just fall further and further into debt :-(  It's so stressful to think about...

Before August, I was a good teacher.  I was always ahead of the game, pro-active.  I would have my copies/handouts for the month ready on day one of that month.  I could multi-task with the best of them! Now, it's a struggle every day to be prepared for the next day. Kids frustrate me to no end lately.  My sarcasm with them is probably gonna get me into trouble eventually.  I have an overwhelming desire to do NOTHING for/with my speech team.  I'm just tired with responsibility at work, struggling to keep my head above water and not drown. I can hardly get grades entered in my gradebook!  My lunch and planning are mostly spent trying to catch my breath and not puke from nausea. 

Which brings me to my next "before August"... Physically, I felt soooo much better.  And I realize that I'm pregnant now and the nausea and fatigue is largely contributing to my overall feeling of blah, however, knowing that doesn't help me deal with this reality.  A reality that, as I'm now entering the 2nd trimester, doesn't seem to be going away like so many have said it would...  Will I have to suffer with this throughout the whole 9 months?!  That question haunts me and frequently brings me to tears as I drive into work these days. I'm not used to feeling so poorly; it's making me depressed.  As if you couldn't tell if you've read into this post so far...

Before August, I was a better mom.  After August, I had a lot of emotions to work through that took time away from my little girl.  And now pregnant, I can hardly walk, talk, and think by the time I get home... I just wish I could be better for my Beth.  I think it's starting to affect her.  She's had a couple bad days at daycare.  Being mean and disrespectful to her teachers.  I can't help but blame me because I just haven't been able to give her the attention she deserves. 

Before August, I was a better wife.  I'll just leave this one at that.  I don't deserve the awesome husband I have...

Before August, I was a better Christian. I had one of the most consistent quite times I had ever had in my born again life.  Now, I'm so exhausted in the mornings, I can hardly swing my feet out of the bed to throw myself in the shower, let alone get up early enough and  go to my quiet place and pray :-(  We've even been bad about not going back to church on Sunday nights for worship because I'm so worn out with the thoughts of a new work week approaching...  Not having more time for my savior hurts my heart.

It helps to get this yuck all out here.  I guess you could say this is my sick soul vomiting into cyber space.  Now I feel a bit better.  Sorry you got caught in the vomit.  It's one of the reasons I haven't blogged much lately.  Every post, I'm sure, would be some personal pity party. I don't want this place I've created to become that.  I had such higher hopes for this blog...

Also, I don't want to seem ungrateful.  I should be happy now!  I'm expecting a baby.  So many others would die for this opportunity.  I should be able to focus on that alone and be happy!  Yet, why can't I!? Some of you just want to hit me right now - but not as hard as I want to hit myself!

Like I said, earlier.  I feel broken. I'm Humpty Dumpty, fallen off the wall, and I don't know how to put myself back together again.  And right now, I'm too tired to try. :-(


12 comments:

  1. Oh Jamie, I'm sorry you are feeling so down! I do think feeling so sick all the time and all those hormones certainly isn't helping you feel any better but that is not to say you don't have reason to feel the way you do!

    Keep doing what you're doing. Beth has a good mommy and your husband has a good wife...whether you see that right now or not! That much is obvious!

    I'll continue to pray that you start feeling better physically and emotionally!

    Things are going to get better! :)

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  2. Jamie,
    I am right there with you in so many ways! Micah was the baby that we thought God had sent to complete our family too. August changed that for us too. It just makes your head spin because you obviously DIDN"T know what God wanted for your family. This makes you wonder if this rainbow baby living here on Earth is indeed part of His plan or if His plan includes another angel. You know I have struggled with this. I too was a much better wife and mother before. So I fully understand how you feel. I also feel like I am accomplishing little to nothing every day because I don't feel well and am too tired. Try to hang in there. We are in this together! I am just trying to keep in mind that The Lord knows all and knows exactly what our family needs and will always do exactly what is right for our family. I just try the best I can to put it ALL in His hands. Sometimes it is overwhelming and I feel like I am sinking, but somehow God always pulls me through. He will pull you through too my friend, just hang in there. Don't feel bad about Beth because children are so loving and forgiving. She may not be having a very fun time right now, but it will pass and she won't even remember it. If she does remember, she will understand that Mommy was sick and all will be forgiven. I promise!!!! I have failed my kids more times than I would like to admit and they don't hold it against me. You love Beth and she knows that. That is all that matters. Also, give yourself some time to connect with this baby. It will happen. It is just that you are still grieving your angel and are still at least a little bit scared that you may lose this baby too. Trust me, I get it 100%! It will be okay. The Lord will carry you through this. He will carry BOTH of us through this! Feel free to talk to me ANYTIME you need someone to listen who is walking in the same shoes. We can get through this together. I will be praying for you. Maybe it will help. I know it sure helped when you prayed for me when I was struggling. God bless you.
    Love,
    Mary

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  3. Prayers and hugs to you, my friend! There are just days/weeks/months that are tough. You may not see an end in sight, but rest assured, God has not forgotten you. It does feel good to get all of that yuck out sometimes! Maybe it will open up some room to let you experience the good stuff. Praying for moments of joy. May you find them and squeeze them for all they're worth! ♥

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  4. Oh, I know those feelings. I did not find myself as excited about our rainbow baby's pregnancy. I was happy to be pregnant, but every day I wondered if something would go wrong. Being able to be naively happy was gone, as were my dreams of raising our precious River. Don't be too hard on yourself, you are going through the hardest thing any one of us has ever had to do. Thoughts and prayers for you to find hope and peace knowing our children will always be in our hearts. Hugs to you!

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  5. Hugs and prayers Jamie! I hope that writing this out will help you to feel a little better.

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  6. Jamie, It is perfectly natural the way you feel. Writing does help to get those bad feelings out of your system, so if need be continue to write about it so you can feel better. You will start getting more excited about your rainbow baby soon. As I said, I lost my baby girl 37 years ago and when I got pregnant with my son I was worried sick whether I would be able to carry him to full term or if he was going to be stillborn too. Back then the sonograms were just coming out so I had to go to Vanderbilt Hospital for them. It was amazing to be able to see my child I was carrying even though the pictures were grainy then. My last trimester was better for me. But until I heard him cry and held him I walked on egg shells. So we had a hard time too getting excited but after awhile we did and with God's help. I do know I did not give myself enough time to grieve the loss of my daughter, but that is water under the bridge now. So hang in there and write your feelings down. DO NOT keep them bottled up, makes it worse for you and your family and especially rainbow in there. xxxooo to you. My prayers are with you and your family. Everything will be alright. Just think what your angel would want you to do and do it. The angel would not want you to keep grieving, angel would want you to prepare for rainbow and be happy and tell him or her about angel someday. I told my two sons of their sister. Angels watch over us and that includes our children God has taken in his arms. I believe that with all my heart.

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  7. Jamie, many prayers coming your way! Take a deep breath...
    The hard time you are having bonding is normal and will fade over time. I have not met one loss mom that was immediate bonded with her rainbow like the grief never exsisted. This feeling will pass.
    Money is just money. Work for it, take care of it, but try not to let it stress you so badly. Make a plan for the next month, then after that month, the next. (We used Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace Plan) I completely understand where you are coming from. Again, take a deep breath...it's just money...God will work it out...
    As for school, I understand. Before my first loss, I was SO productive and went out of my way to be the best employee I could. Then it took me forever to even be able to concentrate. I was starting to get it back together, then our second loss...now I'm doing good if I'm there on time and get a couple of things checked off my to-do-list. I've been worried about this, but I feel like God has told me to be honorable, but don't stress...it's just a job...Do your best to honor God, but there are periods in our lives when we will be better employees than others.
    Ugh, physically. I'm working on my thoughts in the same area. You take care of you, this too shall pass...
    As for Beth, she is young and this time in her life will be like a blink of an eye in the big picture. I often feel like I'm letting Ethan down by grieving, but honestly, we would be letting them down if we didn't let them see us grieve some.
    Being a better wife...again, I want to be one too. I'm praying in this area for both of us.
    Your faith has taken a beating. You're tired, it's ok...God knows you love Him. Going to church doesn't equal the perfect Christian. Maybe Sunday nights would be a good time for a family devotion time. Just you, your hubs and Beth. Your being a good mom, wife and Christian by doing that in my opinion.
    I hope I don't seem bossy or like I'm butting in, but I just wanted to tell you all these bad things and the guilt your are feeling in all the areas of your life will pass. Keep blogging about it, keep "vomiting" on us!
    God is near, lean on Him and He will get you through.
    Much Love.

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  8. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. I don't mind getting stuck in the vomit :) especially if it helps.

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  9. Hi Jamie -
    Oddly enough, August 2010 changed a lot of things for me too. Often, I feel like you do [for other reasons obviously], but we have to find peace with doing as much as we can. The loss and all the changes thereafter certainly leave their mark. I know that its easy to say "don't be so hard on yourself", but that is a statement that I'm also trying to live. Trying to give into the illness when I feel sick, trying not to feel guilty when I don't do as much as I should, trying not to feel bad when I let down those closest to me. I'm in the process of decreasing and letting go of some of the responsibility and I'm trying to ask for help when I need it, and to be honest I have a really HARD time asking for help. I, like you, have always been "superwoman" and on top of everything - I just have to realize that right now I'm not even cutting it close. Hang in there...we're all here for you!

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  10. I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. I wish I could give you a big hug and get one in return. Life has been nothing but a huge rollercoaster for so many of lately. Im tired. I feel like Ive given up almost. Thinking of you!

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  11. I am so glad you have this place to get these feelings out Jamie. I do think that these are normal feelings for a pregnancy after loss and sometimes we as mothers, wives, women expect so much of ourselves. Remember to be gentle on yourself and take time for yourself and for God and He is taking care of you even in the times you cannot feel it.

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  12. Hugs and prayers sent your way. I know this is an older post and I'm behind and things are looking better. But I just want to say that your last few sentences sum it up, you can't put yourself together again, only God can...trust in Him, try to rest in Him and He will show you His faithfulness and His amazingness and pull you through to the joy you feel ou're missing*hugs and love from my snowy little town*

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