I love Tara's blog Undeserving Grace. And one of my favorite posts of hers is "Say it again Sunday." This is an entry where you post something that someone has shared with you or something that you've just heard that is worth a repeat. Well, I got an e-mail today with a link to a video that everyone with a child should watch. So here's my say it again worthy post ;-)
Go here... The Years Are Short
today is my birthday
I am 34.
Last year on this day, hubby and I traveled to the OB to see our second baby on ultrasound... only to be told that there might be a problem. A week later, there was no heartbeat, and soon after that, our Angel was gone from my body.
So today, I am sad. Today, I am teary.
However, I am also very grateful because this year God gave me a better birthday present. A healthy baby girl!!! I'm going to try to focus on that to get through the wild emotions of today.
Last year on this day, hubby and I traveled to the OB to see our second baby on ultrasound... only to be told that there might be a problem. A week later, there was no heartbeat, and soon after that, our Angel was gone from my body.
So today, I am sad. Today, I am teary.
However, I am also very grateful because this year God gave me a better birthday present. A healthy baby girl!!! I'm going to try to focus on that to get through the wild emotions of today.
more on worry
I found some things I wanted to share with you all that have really spoken to me in the last 24 hours.
First, this is an article I found on worry. "Four Reasons Why NOT to Worry."
It has some excellent scripture to back it up. I'm gonna print this off and stick it in my bible! Cause after yesterday's post, I obviously need it, right? :-)
Also, I listend to a sermon from James MacDonald this morning. EXCELLENT! It's entitled, "God is in control!" If you believe that, it really does help with the worry. Take a listen! He is an excellent, funny, biblical preacher!!!
Happy Sunday, ya'll!
((hugz))
First, this is an article I found on worry. "Four Reasons Why NOT to Worry."
It has some excellent scripture to back it up. I'm gonna print this off and stick it in my bible! Cause after yesterday's post, I obviously need it, right? :-)
Also, I listend to a sermon from James MacDonald this morning. EXCELLENT! It's entitled, "God is in control!" If you believe that, it really does help with the worry. Take a listen! He is an excellent, funny, biblical preacher!!!
Happy Sunday, ya'll!
((hugz))
Worry
It is defined as the following: to feel or experience concern or anxiety.
I hate this verb.
I hate this feeling!
And as I gazed at my little girl in worry yesterday, I felt God saying to me in so many ways... STOP IT!
As I looked at her perfectly shaped head with full with brown hair - have no idea where she got that?! - and then began to worry about her development (her brain), God said...
29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.[b] 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Yeah. He kinda yelled it at me like that. And has been since then, every time I have a worrisome moment. He keeps yelling at me - I GOT THIS!
But.. um... see... There's this one thing I have discovered when you have a baby who is born early - like say at 37 weeks, like Hannah. This thing I've discovered is that you worry. And not like typical mommy worry, but worry times 10!!! Cause there's nothing nice said on the Internet about 37 gestational weeks old babies and their birth other than... yes, they are term... and yes, they should do fine... but not as fine as if they had cooked a few weeks more.
And I say to myself, GREAT! BIG HUGE MOMMY FAIL!
Okay, now cue the tears. Even though I know she HAD to come out. Even though I KNOW she couldn't wait another day. My placenta was slowly failing her... MY placenta. So she couldn't produce enough amniotic fluid to sustain herself and so didn't even have enough energy to practice breathing anymore. The low amniotic fluid was probably due also to a small leak I just chalked up to common discharge. Again, MOMMY FAIL MOMENT! Oh... and I probably shouldn't think about the fact that my stinkin rapid heart beat was prompting an early c-section anyway... STUPID HEART!
But then I have moments where I just stare at her ears.... SO DARN SMALL! Yet, so darn ... perfect! And again, I hear my savior's voice...
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Again, He tells me - I GOT THIS!
This psychological and emotional struggle of mine has been a bit overwhelming lately. I've finally got a moment where Beth is not here - off with Daddy at the YMCA pool - and it's just Hannah and I, and I can sit and write this all out. I'm looking forward to the start of school - Beth's starting Pre-K. I can then have some time to sit and think... and pray... and get in some kind of normal routine. That will help.
I've struggled with Hannah's mild - really not that bad - mild reflux. Struggled to mean that I of course blame myself for her reflux - I know, silly! Anyway, we've bought new bottles and put her on soy formula - because maybe this silent reflux (as the doctor called it) was brought on by a milk allergy.
A milk allergy that Beth and her daddy both had. They both had to be on soy formula. I should have just started Hannah on that from day one - chalk that up for another MOMMY FAIL!
And so my worry just increases, constantly. What makes it even worse is that Hannah grunts. Sometimes from the reflux during and after feeding, and sometimes just because, and sometimes to poop. Weird. And with each grunt, I again think... if only I could have kept her inside me longer? If only I hadn't failed her.
Then I see all these happy pics on facebook of these women - friends - who've given birth recently - full term - vaginally - successfully - no complications with mom or baby - and looking all great and happy, holding their healthy 40 week term babies. And when you look at my after the birth pic - I look like death warmed over (see previous post). Ugh!
These women had no reason to worry that their newborns wouldn't be anything but perfect. That their deliveries would be anything but perfect. However, me? Before the c-seciton.... it was scary watching my baby on ultrasound... watching her lungs... so still... when they should have been so active. Oh! How I worried so going into that delivery room! And OH! HOW HAPPY I WAS WHEN I HEARD HER SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM!
Sorry for the all caps. I was happy!!!
Anyway, ever since that moment, I worry about her.
I worry about my little Hannah's feet that were so smashed up inside me because of the low amniotic fluid that they've come out a little askew. Three pediatricians - two at the hospital and ours in town - seem unconcerned. They say they'll go back and be perfect on their own. Give it a month. And, yes, I do already see improvement in them.
But, I worry.
And after googling for some bible verses - for a word from my God - about worry... I come across something I can't believe I've forgotten... from my favorite chapter in the bible.
I hate this verb.
I hate this feeling!
And as I gazed at my little girl in worry yesterday, I felt God saying to me in so many ways... STOP IT!
As I looked at her perfectly shaped head with full with brown hair - have no idea where she got that?! - and then began to worry about her development (her brain), God said...
29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.[b] 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Yeah. He kinda yelled it at me like that. And has been since then, every time I have a worrisome moment. He keeps yelling at me - I GOT THIS!
But.. um... see... There's this one thing I have discovered when you have a baby who is born early - like say at 37 weeks, like Hannah. This thing I've discovered is that you worry. And not like typical mommy worry, but worry times 10!!! Cause there's nothing nice said on the Internet about 37 gestational weeks old babies and their birth other than... yes, they are term... and yes, they should do fine... but not as fine as if they had cooked a few weeks more.
And I say to myself, GREAT! BIG HUGE MOMMY FAIL!
Okay, now cue the tears. Even though I know she HAD to come out. Even though I KNOW she couldn't wait another day. My placenta was slowly failing her... MY placenta. So she couldn't produce enough amniotic fluid to sustain herself and so didn't even have enough energy to practice breathing anymore. The low amniotic fluid was probably due also to a small leak I just chalked up to common discharge. Again, MOMMY FAIL MOMENT! Oh... and I probably shouldn't think about the fact that my stinkin rapid heart beat was prompting an early c-section anyway... STUPID HEART!
But then I have moments where I just stare at her ears.... SO DARN SMALL! Yet, so darn ... perfect! And again, I hear my savior's voice...
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Again, He tells me - I GOT THIS!
This psychological and emotional struggle of mine has been a bit overwhelming lately. I've finally got a moment where Beth is not here - off with Daddy at the YMCA pool - and it's just Hannah and I, and I can sit and write this all out. I'm looking forward to the start of school - Beth's starting Pre-K. I can then have some time to sit and think... and pray... and get in some kind of normal routine. That will help.
I've struggled with Hannah's mild - really not that bad - mild reflux. Struggled to mean that I of course blame myself for her reflux - I know, silly! Anyway, we've bought new bottles and put her on soy formula - because maybe this silent reflux (as the doctor called it) was brought on by a milk allergy.
A milk allergy that Beth and her daddy both had. They both had to be on soy formula. I should have just started Hannah on that from day one - chalk that up for another MOMMY FAIL!
And so my worry just increases, constantly. What makes it even worse is that Hannah grunts. Sometimes from the reflux during and after feeding, and sometimes just because, and sometimes to poop. Weird. And with each grunt, I again think... if only I could have kept her inside me longer? If only I hadn't failed her.
Then I see all these happy pics on facebook of these women - friends - who've given birth recently - full term - vaginally - successfully - no complications with mom or baby - and looking all great and happy, holding their healthy 40 week term babies. And when you look at my after the birth pic - I look like death warmed over (see previous post). Ugh!
These women had no reason to worry that their newborns wouldn't be anything but perfect. That their deliveries would be anything but perfect. However, me? Before the c-seciton.... it was scary watching my baby on ultrasound... watching her lungs... so still... when they should have been so active. Oh! How I worried so going into that delivery room! And OH! HOW HAPPY I WAS WHEN I HEARD HER SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM!
Sorry for the all caps. I was happy!!!
Anyway, ever since that moment, I worry about her.
I worry about my little Hannah's feet that were so smashed up inside me because of the low amniotic fluid that they've come out a little askew. Three pediatricians - two at the hospital and ours in town - seem unconcerned. They say they'll go back and be perfect on their own. Give it a month. And, yes, I do already see improvement in them.
But, I worry.
And after googling for some bible verses - for a word from my God - about worry... I come across something I can't believe I've forgotten... from my favorite chapter in the bible.
- Philippians 4:6-7 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (NLT)
Hannah Faith's Pregnancy and Birth Story
Hannah Faith Wills
Pregnancy and Birth Story
My dearest little Hannah Faith,
It’s July 10, 2011, and only two days ago on July 8th, you came into this world three weeks early. I’m writing this letter to you so that you will know the details surrounding my pregnancy with you and your birth. I’m sure you’ll ask questions about this when you are older, and I’m sure by then I will have forgotten a lot of what occurred; thus, here are the facts.
I prayed for you dearly! I wanted Beth to be a big sister, but more than that, your daddy and I desperately wanted another baby. We knew that God wanted this for us too. Even after the loss of our Angel Baby – a miscarriage I suffered in August 2010 – I knew God still wanted us to have another child. So as Hannah prayed for Samuel in the bible, so I prayed for you. And out of that faith, I discovered in November 2010 that I was expecting you. And yes, “Faith” is your middle name because of this, but “Hannah” was out of pure coincidence – it was one of only a few names your daddy and I could agree on. J
Early pregnancy with you foreshadowed how difficult the road to your birth was going to be. I was nauseous early on in the pregnancy and way into the 2nd trimester. In addition to the nausea, I had morning sickness a whole lot more with your pregnancy than I ever did with your big sister Beth. Both the nausea and the sickness weren’t as extreme as some mommies have it, but it was definitely something I had a hard time functioning with.
The 2nd trimester brought with it early heartburn, fatigue, and a quick weight gain. I have put on as many pounds with you as I did with your big sister (50 pounds), but because of the nausea and sickness in the 1st trimester, during this time in my pregnancy is where I gained most of that weight. I could finally eat, and despite the heartburn, I ate! Zantex 75 and Tums became my best friends.
The 3rd trimester signaled the beginning of medical problems that would prompt the doctor to eventually take you via c-section at only 37 weeks old. First, I was diagnosed with maternal tachycardia – a racing heart. This made it very difficult to breathe and also made me very sleepy the last weeks of my pregnancy with you. Then, I suffered from severe bleeding due to constipation and hemorrhoids. You probably didn’t want to know about this symptom of your mommy’s, but these issues concerned Dr. B – my OB/GYN – greatly. It was putting more stress on my body than I needed with tachycardia - not to mention it was the second worse case of these conditions she had ever seen. And after a very disturbing and stressful trip to the colon and rectal doctor, we moved your c-section date from the planned 39 weeks date of July 25th to July 12th (37 weeks and 4 days).
The movement of the c-section date may have saved your life. And as your mommy doesn’t believe in coincidence, I truly trust that God orchestrated these things, watching over you and protecting you! When I went in for my weekly appointment on July 8th at exactly 37 weeks, Dr. B did an ultrasound she may not have otherwise done but did to check on you before next week’s c-section. Now during these types of scans, doctors like to check for four things. Number one, they check to make sure your movements are good. With this, there was no problem! As I’ve told everyone, you LOVED to move around in your momma’s belly – a whole lot more than your big sis ever did!! Number two, they check the placenta, and in your case, it looked more mature than 37 weeks. This could mean decreased productivity thus decreasing energy to you. As it turned out, it looks like that was the case because of the lack of the third thing doctors check to see if all is well with baby. Number three, they check the amniotic fluid level. Yours, she could instantly tell and measured, was low. This was probably a result of the low productivity of the placenta and a small leak of fluid that your momma – me – hadn’t noticed. Then finally, number four, they check to see if babies are practicing breathing inside momma. In your case, she couldn’t get you to a point where she could check for this. By the looks of things, your lungs were done practicing because you were conserving energy that you were no longer getting due to a mature placenta. Dr. B advised your birthday be moved to that very night!
And as I trust and love my doctor, I obliged and so did you! I went in for a c-section that night. Besides getting bad shakes from the epidural – a common side effect of that medicine – the c-section went well. You were born perfect at 6 pounds 10 ounces and 19 inches long. You have a full head of brown hair, and you came out of my belly screaming – something that made the doctors and your momma very happy!!! You breathing was and is just fine, and everything about you was, well, PERFECT!
I’m sitting in our recovery room now, two days later, typing this. We may go home tomorrow, but it could be as much as four days we’ll have to spend here before I can take you home to your big sis. The most important thing you need to know right now is that I love you – more than I ever thought possible! You are beautiful and my little miracle!!
Love,
Mommy
great news @ 36 weeks
My doctor moved up my c-section date!!! It was July 25th but now it is July 12th!!! I'm so excited! It means relief from pregnancy symptoms AND I get to spend more time with my Hannah before going back to work :-)
Dr. B took one look at me today and said, "You're done." I said, "My words exactly!" LOL
My tachycardia and breathing has gotten worse - which is the main reason for moving up the date. However, after last Friday she was even more compelled to get this show on the road. She said she'd never seen such a bad case of constipation and hemorrhoids! She's all for getting me some early relief in that department :-) Of course, add in the fatigue, the worse heartburn from drinking more water, and painful braxton hix contractions - YEP! I'M DONE!!!
I'm so stinkin excited right now I can't see straight!!! Whoo hoo!!!!!
Dr. B took one look at me today and said, "You're done." I said, "My words exactly!" LOL
My tachycardia and breathing has gotten worse - which is the main reason for moving up the date. However, after last Friday she was even more compelled to get this show on the road. She said she'd never seen such a bad case of constipation and hemorrhoids! She's all for getting me some early relief in that department :-) Of course, add in the fatigue, the worse heartburn from drinking more water, and painful braxton hix contractions - YEP! I'M DONE!!!
I'm so stinkin excited right now I can't see straight!!! Whoo hoo!!!!!
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