It was something so unbearable that I avoided my blog for awhile. Why? Because I can't seem to be anything but totally truthful here, and I just didn't want this to be known about me.
However, I made progress about a week ago when I unexpectedly - it surprised me - gave my struggle a voice.. at work.
I know. Weird. Cause that is very public.
Anyway, the struggle has been with my rainbow baby, Hannah.
I went back to work with Hannah a lot sooner than I ever did with Beth. With Beth, I was out from January until the second week in April. She and I had established a routine. I had her figured out. I was reading everything I could get my hands on concerning baby development and putting it into practice, and she was responding. She was really a textbook baby. It was great!
With Hannah, I had her in the midst of summer - 3 weeks "early" at 37 weeks. Our first weeks together were, well, a bit crazy. Big sister Beth was all in our business! I couldn't really spend quality time with Hannah without feeling crazy guilty about ignoring Beth. Finally though, Beth started pre-k. It was a relief. However, that only left me with 6 weeks of time with Hannah. Six weeks of struggling to get into something of a routine with her that was thrown off as soon as she hit daycare and I went back to work.
The struggle started then. The struggle? I couldn't figure her out. I couldn't "click" with her.
To say I couldn't "bond" with her isn't the right word... We were bonded; she was MY baby! But, I couldn't figure out how to make her happy, make her eat right, sleep "right"... Michael seemed more attached to her than me. He was up most every night with her doing the night time feedings and giving ME pointers on how to get her to sleep when I would try to do it.
So, I struggled with this. With her. With... "clicking" with her.
I said as much during my post-planning days at work. I surprised myself with that. However, those with more than one child seemed to understand. One even said, "Don't worry about it. Hannah has other bonds to make as compared to Beth - Hannah has a big sister."
That comforted me. The sister or sibling thing was one of many reasons we wanted to have number two.
And, it is so true. The bond between these two is.. amazing!
Now that summer is here, I'm able to watch those two more closely. They surely have bonded... they click.
And, I'm happy to report, Hannah and I are now clicking! We have a routine. And every day, I get to know this little bundle of curious energy much more. She's amazing. Fearfully and wonderfully made.
She loves to eat! Especially if you let her feed herself. She likes to sleep in - praise God! She loves three hour naps in the afternoon - 1pm. She loves to be out and about - like her sister did. She loves to explore - to crawl - walking is overrated for this almost one year old. She has to have a hug fest after any boo boo - very different from Beth who would shake off a boo boo and keep on trucking. She's sensitive. Funny. Energetic.
And God has a plan for her. I've always known that...
He has a plan for both my children - these sisters.
How blessed am I to be a part of that!
Those girls are so gorgeous!! I can't believe how much they have grown! I love all that curly hair Miss Hannah has:) It is so darn cute:):):)
ReplyDeleteI sure do understand this post completely! I had the very same struggles when I had my second child, Emily. It does get easier though, doesn't it?
I am glad you are all doing well. It was really nice to hear from you again:)
Love,
Mary
Look at the curls on her in that second picture! OMG! Adorable!
ReplyDeleteAnd you know I feel you, right? Except in reverse. I had so, so much time with Joshua (nearly 4 months!) and it wasn't until he was Hannah's age now that I felt like we clicked. But, he was a "difficult" baby. Emma and I? We just kind of get it. My biggest frustration is that she wants to snuggle to nap. (and the spit-up. Ohmahgah the spit-up!)
I guess, in short, don't ever be afraid to be honest. Motherhood needs more honesty.