So, I know I've written before that we were going to wait to try to conceive (TTC) again... but... well... it was just too much for me! Knowing that I was fertile last week, well, made me... want to try!
Now that my supposed fertile week has passed, I find myself wondering... what's going on in my body, if anything? am I eating well enough? getting enough rest?
If I do conceive this week, I'll know October 2nd. That's when I plan on taking the test. That's when AF (aunt flow ;-) is supposed to show up. I'm hoping it doesn't.
I want to be pregnant again. Pregnancy wasn't kind to me with Beth, it wasn't looking as if was going to be good again with my Angel Baby, but that's okay... really... bring on the morning sickness! Bring on the fatigue and the fat!
Then my mind turns to if I do conceive, how long will this pregnancy last? Will this pregnancy last?
Something in me tells me, yes. However, then I remember scripture... His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts...
Just because I believe this couldn't/shouldn't happen again, well... that doesn't mean JACK!
*sigh* I do this to myself... Why do I do this to myself?! I just need to trust that whatever happens, happens. God is in control. What is most important to Him in the world is for the best - I really do want His will! I've lived before my own life, my own way. It doesnt' work! I really do want His will in my life...
but then I also really want this baby...
That is the hardest thing to Let Go and remember that He is in control.
ReplyDeletei agree the hardest thing is to give God control. I was terrified when I was pregnant with Peyton-though i did stay calm...after losing Riley it was just so hard. You are in my prayers! <3
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. I lost my son 4 weeks ago. He was born 31 weeks premature. I often think about getting pregnant again and I feel mixed emotions. I'm excited and scared, because I feel like what's best for me is to have another healthy baby, but I'm not exactly sure what God thinks is best for me. It might not be what I want. I am learning to be ok with that, but it's still not easy. I've been reading this book Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman and she quotes C.S. Lewis: We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping God graciously give you your hearts desire. I'll be thinking of you and praying you continue to trust in God's goodness even when his plans seem to be quite strange.. Thanks for a great post.