October 24, 2010

reality check

I'm not sure what to type right now - I just know I need to type.  Ever had a moment like that my fellow bloggers? ;-)

I realized something tonight during the online bible study that I participate in with some of the most AMAZING ladies I have ever had the privilege to "meet."  I realized... I'm not over it.  And I know I've written before that I hope I never "get over it."  What I mean by that is I never want to forget our Angel Baby.  That life!  What I mean now when I type "I'm not over it" is that I'm still very much grieving for that baby.  And that my trying to conceive lately has been about trying to "get over it" - meaning stop the grieving.  And that's not good. 

I guess it was a blessing that I didn't get pregnant this month.  It helped me to realize all this - that and the ladies in this bible study with Anchored by Hope

I almost want to stop trying to conceive - almost.  And I guess we'll stop "trying" in that I'll stop insisting on the regularity of our being together (Michael and I). 

((sigh)) I don't really know what I mean.  I guess I really don't know who I am right now if I'm not trying to conceive.  That's not good.  Again, I think that after tonight I see all that trying as an attempt to stop grieving.  That's not good.

I had written in my previous post...
If the only other child I have besides Beth is my Angel Baby - then so be it!  I WILL LAY THIS AT MY SAVIOR'S FEET AND NOT PICK IT UP AGAIN! 

And a fellow, dear, blogger had posted in reply...
"Also glad that you are at peace and all... wish I was as calm as you."

Truth is though, I am no where near what I had posted previously.  I am not at peace and calm about anything.  That's a lie I keep trying to sell myself. 

I bargain with God.  That was pointed out to me tonight too.  And when I reread my last post, I can even see it there!
I'm not going to obsess any longer about getting pregnant again.  Don't get me wrong... I'll continue to chart my BBT, use a few OPKs, and take my prenatal vitamins; however, if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen.

Who am I kidding?!  I guess I'm trying to kid myself - writing that I'm not going to obsess and then in the next few lines writing that I'll temp, use OPKs and take prenatals - LOL.  And when I typed if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen what I really mean is, If can fool myself into thinking I'm okay with what may be or not be my current reality with having or not having another child, maybe Jesus then will bless me with that baby I want.

I need to grieve - not TTC.  It hurts to type that because I want a baby so badly; I want Beth to have a sibling; I want to be pregnant.  However, I still need to grieve.  If I'm TTCing, I focus too much on that.  Problem now is... I don't know how to stop.  Is there a TTCing anonymous out there, anyone?!

I guess I'll take some steps, baby steps in that direction... my free VIP membership at fertilityfriend.com is coming to an end.  I'll try not to spend money on continuing that... although, I don't think I can bring myself to stop temping.  I won't buy any OPKs.  We'll just try once, maybe twice around suspected ovulation time... baby steps, ya'll. 

Oh, Jesus, please see this as me trying to give this over to you - for you to deal with it.  I'm TRYING.  I can't do it on my own - heck, I can't do it, Lord!  Help!

Also, I need to give myself some time to continue to grieve.  On that note, I'll leave you with a youtube video that the leader of our study shared with us tonight.  It's beautiful!  When I listen to it, I can hear my Angel Baby's voice in it.  Thanks for sharing Kristie!

3 comments:

  1. Sweetest Friend,

    We never get over it, we just get through it.

    I remember all those trying days when TTC consumed my every thought. I'd chart and temp and use the OPK's, get a negative result...cue the downhill spiral for a few days. Then, it was off and trying again! This is havoc on the emotions.

    It was not until L-O-N-G into the process, seeing an RE and having done the IUI that I gave in to my intuition of seeing a shrink. Let me just say that hour with a complete stranger and pouring out my heart was the best medicine I'd had in 15 months. My therapist was amazing! She knew how to release the inner deamons and bring back a part of me that was missing....all in one beginner session. I only wish I had done it sooner :) There is just something to be said about a professional who "knows" what to say to a mother grieving her child.

    We not only grieve for the lost child, but we grieve our lost hopes, dreams and aspirations for the life we had planned. And let me just say...that is SO hard to let go of.

    You are not alone in this. We have all stood "exactly" where you stand now....in quick sand. However, you think you will sink and completely fade away, but you only get up to your knees before being rescued by all these wonderful ladies who love you.

    Letting go is the most difficult aspect...it takes lots of time, so don't rush it, just allow him to direct your steps.

    My favorite verse this week is Job 9:10. It's worth looking up :)

    Many HUGS

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  2. I think this was a good break through for you Jamie. I kept worrying for you that you were jumping back into things too soon - without working through your grief over your loss. I was glad that the bible study helped you see that. Thinking of you dear!

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  3. Jamie - honestly I thought that maybe you were not as calm as it seemed you were. I couldn't even "talk myself into" being that calm. LOL! I am glad that you came to these realizations. It's a crappy situation - I barely grieved Riley and then was thrilled to be pregnant with Peyton 4 months later. Then it all crashed down again. So the past two months I have really been grieving them both. And I agree with Andrea - we get through it not "over it"... It sure changes our lives forever.
    I know - as you do - that God knows best and has a plan. That is reassuring but oh how I wish I KNEW that my next pregnancy would just go perfect and I would have a baby on Earth. I just hope when I am pregnant again that God will bring me a whole TON of peace through it all.
    Much love to you! <3

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