first angelversary

I found the above pic on a facebook miscarriage and pregnancy loss page.  It accompanied this poem...

Remembering...

Go ahead and mention my Child,
The one that died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my Child knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing, I say "pretty good" or "fine"
but healing is something ongoing. I feel it will take a lifetime.
-Author Unknown

I can't imagine not remembering my Angel today.  I HAVE TO!  I'm her mom!  It would be wrong not to remember my baby.  But, oh, how I have an urge for others to remember her today also...

Yet, something prevents me from posting about today on Facebook... something even prevents me from reminding my husband about what today is...  I will remember our Angel today, but who else will?  Is this something I should do by myself?  I don't know how to do this...

So I woke up this morning and lit Angel's candle next to the memory box containing her ultrasound photos.

I looked at the photos and cried a little. It brings back so many memories of today...  As I wrote in my story...

"The bleeding was awful! I had taught school that day, in immense pain! The Tylenol was taking the edge off though. However, when I got home from work, sat down on the toilet, a lot of blood and clots fell from me... I knew it was the baby. I cried, tried to compose myself cause my daughter was home, called the doctor, and she had me come in for an ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage. The ultrasound showed that everything was on it's way out... no more baby... nothing... The D&C we had scheduled for the next day was cancelled. My body - my God, had taken care of what He had started."

What an AWFUL day it was - August 5th last year.  Just. AWFUL!

But today, a year later, things are very different.  The grief is still there.  The loss.  Oh, how I miss that baby so much!  When I look at Hannah laying here beside me now as I type this, I feel acutely what I lost that day.

But then I think of what I gained.  A community of great friends I would have never found otherwise - yep, that's you guys! :-)  And, of course, Hannah.  We always knew we wanted only two children.  I would have stopped trying to have kids after having my Angel, had she lived.  So Hannah would have never been. 

Oddly enough, that thought kinda fills me with an excitement.  God chose to take my Angel to be with Him, to praise and worship Him for now, while Hannah instead filled the gap in our incomplete family.  Hannah is special, in a different way than my Angel.  She holds much promise for the future, my little rainbow.  These thoughts make me happy.

Yet, even so, I wish I hadn't had to experience August last year.  Life is so changed... I'm so changed......

klarsen put it so well on her new blog she so aptly entitled Broken Yet Whole:

Broken. I have a daughter in Heaven. Hannah Katherine. She is missing. She came and left on September 21, 2009. Her absence leaves me broken.
Yet Whole.
Bobby is my little man. He is sweet, smart, witty and full of love. He is the most gentle and articulate 3 and a half year old I know. He is all boy. He was born March 30, 2008.
Ellie is my beautiful rainbow. She is wild and adventurous, curious and without fear. She lives up to her nickname "The Beast". Her smile is contagious and she lights up our lives. She was born December 18, 2010.

And that is what I am now. Broken, yet whole.  Broken by the loss of my Angel, but whole with Beth and Hannah and my wonderful husband.

And if that is how my God wants me, then here I am!

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:3

2 Corinthians 12:9 
But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

So, yes, I'm broken, yet whole.  Christ makes me whole. Thanks, klarsen, for reminding me of that today.  And of how beautiful that is. 

Happy First Angelversary - Angel Wills

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy. Psalm 30:11