conflicted

I have to make a decision that I keep putting off.

Last year on October 15th, I went to the Zoe Rose Remembrance Memorial in honor of our Angel Baby. 

This year... I want to go again, and then again, I don't.

I think if I had some ladies to go again with me like I did last year, I'd go.  I have some that I could ask - including the same ones who went with me last year.  The question is, why don't I ask?!

I don't know - I'm just so confused!  My emotions on this topic right now are... humm.. well, no better word comes to mind - they're confused!

I think I would just like to stay at home and light the candle next to the memorial box for our Angel at 7pm - the time all BLM (baby loss mommas) from around the world light candles for their lost angels. 

Yet, there is something else that compels me to do something more...

I've thought of contacting the church and buying the alter flowers for that Sunday, Oct. 16th and having them placed in honor and memory of our Angel and all those with children awaiting them in heaven.  It would raise awareness of the fact that this is Pregnancy and Early Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

I just haven't done it yet.  ...  I haven't done anything.  And while I want - NEED - to do something, I don't know what or how to get myself moving in that direction!

Let me correct myself; I did do one thing. A candle will be lit in honor of our Angel at the Zoe Rose Remembrance Service.  I did send an e-mail requesting that.  And a few other BLMs have sent me requests and/or offers to do something this month in honor of our Angel.  And let me just say, that REALLY touched my heart!  THANK YOU!!!

However, should I do more?  More than those things and my own lighting?

I wanna say yes, but I don't know what... how... 

Pray that God will speak to me regarding this and that I'll get a peace as to what more I should do - IF I should do more. 

Thanks!
((hugz))

Mental Health Monday... on Friday!

Those of you that have been reading my blog since its inception will remember when I used to do a monthly mental health Monday (MHM) post.  I think it only actually happened two or three times, but the whole point of MHM was to take a day off from work just to relax.  A day for me. To recharge and refocus.

Well, today, I took that kind of day. It really happened on accident though...

Hannah has been super congested.  And when I took her temperature the day before last, it was elevated.  Not a fever, but just elevated.  Anyway, Michael took her to the doctor yesterday, and she's fine - just congested.  No fever, nothing in her ears or chest, just a snotty nose.

Well, I had anticipated she'd be sicker than she really was, so I got a sub lined up for today.  Since she's really not sick, I was going to go in to work and send her on to daycare with Beth - mostly because they couldn't find a sub for my classes and my coworkers were going to have to cover for me if I didn't show.  However, when my department head texted me last night that they had found a sub, I knew instantly - I'M STAYING HOME!!!

And so far, it's been a great decision!  I've had time to feed my baby and then snuggle her - just she and I.  No daddy and no big sister to bother us.  I've been suckin her nose and playin with her (she's becoming so much more alert!). 

I'M HAVING SO. MUCH. FUN. just holding her and singing... "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..."

Also, I've been relaxing on the couch, catching up on some shows I've tivo'd.  I confess - I love The Doctors  :-)

I'm not taking a shower, and I'm not doing much housework - I am getting a head start on the laundry though ;-)

It's a great day people!  Everyone should take a MEM ever now and then!!

Have you had a MEM lately?

undeservedly happy

I've had a full weekend - so this post is coming right before I'm about to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. :-)

Hannah goes to daycare for the first time tomorrow.  I think I have all her stuff together - I'm pretty sure I do. 

It's hard to explain, but I don't really feel that I'm dropping her off at daycare.  I feel as if I'm dropping her off at a good friend's house.  Almost like it's a relative's home, really.  (And actually, Michael drops the kids off at daycare, and I pick them up ;-)

I know the ladies who own/run this daycare/preschool.  They are beautiful, godly ladies!  Everyone there is sooo awesome!  So when people ask me how hard it is on me to have my baby there, well, it really isn't hard at all.  I've already had a week at work while Michael stayed home with Hannah, and that went well.

Emotionally, I'm great!

Life - is - well - GREAT right now. :-)

I am counting my blessings, and I find myself undeservedly happy.

Hope all is well with you and yours!
((hugz))