The Atlanta Women's 5K

April 14th, I got to run the largest 5K in the Southeast: The Atlanta Women's 5K.

Although I was bummed that none of my regular running chicas could experience this with me, I was excited to be running in this event. I had heard a lot about it, and the race certainly did live up to all the hype.

The atmosphere was electric with female pheromones! Music, set to a perfect tempo to excite runners, greeted me upon arrival, and after checking in and getting my bib, there were vendors to enjoy, tempting me to shop.

Before the race got started, we were given an opportunity to participate in a group stretch, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Then, runners were told to move to their race corrals.

Do you see the purple flowers on the race banner in the above pic? These emblems were everywhere. The medals were shaped like this flower, and I couldn't help thinking they looked a lot like purple forget-me-nots.

Now, if you have read my blog in between 2010 and 2016, you know that it used to be titled Forget-me-not, Oh Lord! And you know why those flowers are special to me. Whenever I see them, or anything that reminds me of them, I think about the baby I lost back in August of 2010, our Angel.

Waiting for the race to start, I thought about the day of my miscarriage, and looking around at the hundreds of women that surrounded me that day, I thought of the reality that 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage in their lifetime. I wondered which of these ladies had at one point shared in the pain I had experienced eight years ago.

And then the race started. And I ran. And thoughts of Angel ran with me, thoughts of all that I had done since then to honor her memory, thoughts of the races run for her. 

And I was happy. 

To think of her now, makes me smile. Back then, to think of her would bring unimaginable sadness. But it is somewhat true what they say, "Time heals all wounds." So now when I think of her, I smile. I'm grateful to have carried her the few weeks I did. I'm a better person for having had her in my life.

So I ran. Happy. Determined to remain happy. And it was a good race.

Finished in 36:07

After finishing, I got a medal, my shirt, and a flower! We were showered with gifts!!

I had a great time enjoying me and remembering Angel. This race is a keeper, for sure! 

A great reason to visit Chatsworth, GA

Every year in either October or November, a beautiful group of ladies residing in Chatsworth, GA, put together an event called "Remembering our Babies: A Walk to Remember." It is sponsored by the local AOG-Assoicates in Obstetrics and Gynecology.

This 5K fun run and 2 mile walk is for pregnancy and infant loss awareness and to raise money for the March of Dimes. If you live within driving distance, let me encourage you to put this on your agenda for next year!  It is a perfect way to remember/honor babies lost too soon, celebrate their lives, and enjoy time with family and friends. In addition to the 5K and the walk, attendees have a chance to experience a great raffle for tons of awesome prizes, shop multiple vendors and delicious concessions (They had funnel cakes!), and participate in a balloon release.

It is the fourth year in a row I have traveled an hour to attend this event. Every year, it grows in attendance and in activities. This year, I brought my entire family with me. My girls, ages four and eight, had a great time in the bounce houses, and my youngest had her face painted for free!

One of my favorite things about this event is the raffle. Every year I have come, I have taken home a prize, and this year, I took home three prizes!!! I won a bag of Disney princess toys for my girls, and I got some great new Christmas decor.

My friend Tricia, whose husband and youngest son joined us this year, also won a prize - a beautiful Christmas wreath!

Tricia is holding her wreath next to her hubby Keith. My hubby, Michael, is on the right.

Tricia and Keith joined me this year to remember their five year old son, Christian, who they lost just last month. This was their first opportunity to attend a remembrance event for Christian.

While I usually run the 5K in honor of our Angel (lost to an early miscarriage), I opted to participate in the 2 mile walk with Tricia and our kids in memory of both Christian and Angel.

Me and Tricia

Our husbands ran the 5K (a wonderful, mostly flat course), and I'm happy to report that Keith finished first overall with Michael finishing third overall! Their outstanding performances honored both our children, and I was especially overjoyed that Keith was able to win a race for Christian - something he had been wanting to do since the loss of his precious son. 

Following the race and the walk, everyone gathered together for the balloon release. What made this moment extra special was the balloons themselves. After pressing a button on the top, the balloons lit up! This made for a uniquely beautiful balloon release.

It was a night to remember in Chatsworth, GA, and I can hardly wait to do it again next year! The drive there amidst the beautiful fall colored trees and the festivities at the event are totally worth the time! And if you are privileged to be able to attend next year, let me recommend the Chatsworth restaurant Open Range Steakhouse. Best post race dinner EVER!

Today's forget-me-not: This great event in Chatsworth, GA, remembering Christian, Angel, and all babies lost too soon!

the conclusion of Capture Your Grief

Here is my final blog post journeying through Carly Marie's, fellow baby loss momma, topics about grief. I've enjoyed reflecting on these subjects as a way to continue the discussion about pregnancy and infant loss. I'm so thankful I have this blog to use as a platform for worthy causes such as this.

The sixteenth subject was CREATIVE GRIEF. 

The question asked with this topic was, " Have you done anything in memory of your child? Maybe it is something you created for them."  My response to this is, yes. I did create something for Angel - this blog. I started this blog as a way to work through my grief via writing, but it quickly became something I could use to remember her and honor her. For those reasons and others, my blog makes me happy.

The seventeenth subject was SECONDARY LOSSES.

Here is how Carly Marie describes this: "When your child dies, there are a series of secondary losses that follow. They are different for everyone. The loss of relationships, the loss of innocence, the loss of employment etc.  Share about something else that you lost when your child died. This is the perfect way for us to shine a light on the grief experience."

For me, I lost my naivety surrounding pregnancy. My pregnancy before I lost Angel - my pregnancy with Beth - was pure bliss. I never worried a single second about her. I never doubted for a moment after seeing the positive pregnancy test that I would bring home a healthy baby after nine months. However, my pregnancy after losing Angel - my pregnancy with Hannah - I struggled with worry and fear from the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test. Those nine months I spent pregnant with Hannah hardly enjoyable because I finally understood how fragile life on this earth really is. And it scared me. Even after she was born. I worried. And even now, I worry. Loss makes it hard to enjoy the present because of the memory of what has past.

The eighteenth subject was SEASONS AND SYMBOLS. 

Back to school season always reminds me of when I lost Angel. My miscarriage began while I was teaching. It was the first week of school, so that season makes me sad. Now the fall season, specifically October, brings me a solemn joy because I know that during this time, baby loss mommas everywhere strive to honor their babies memories due to pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and the wave of light on October 15th. As for symbols that remind me of Angel - and this won't surprise you - angels remind me of her. I know you can't guess why ;-)

The nineteenth subject was MUSIC.

This is the song I consider Angel's song: "Still" by Gerrit Hofsink.

The twentieth subject was FORGIVENESS AND HUMANITY.

"When you forgive another person, you are not condoning their actions; you are just accepting their humanity and releasing yourself from them."

This is something a Christian should excel at given how much we have been forgiven by Jesus. I've had to forgive others, and it's easier to do so when you consider our fallible humanity. My prayer is that my family and friends forgive me when I err - which I often do. Most especially, I pray that those who experienced a loss before I experienced mine, forgive me for my insensitive remarks upon their losses and for not doing more then to ease their pain. I'm sorry. I wish I had stopped a moment to really consider what you were going through and what I should do to help. If I haven't asked you before, I ask you now. Please forgive me for my words and my inaction.

The twenty-first subject was SACRED PLACE.

The question here was, "Do you have a special place that you visit to 'be' with your children?" I don't have an out of home location, but in our bedroom, I do have a memory box that contains Angel's ultrasound picture and a few other mementos. Her special candle that I light every August 5th and October 15th is right beside it along with a few other treasured objects that were given to me in memory of her.

The twenty-second day was DREAMS AND RITUALS.

I don't really dream about Angel, but I do have some things I do annually in honor of her and in remembrance of her. I've already talked about how I light her candle on the day of her loss and during the international wave of light, but the other thing that has become a ritual for me is to participate in a 5K in honor of her and babies lost too soon. I truly look forward to running for her and others.

The twenty-third day was LOVE LETTER.
This subject reminded me of the letter I wrote to Angel this past August. Check it out: a letter to the daughter I never met face to face

The twenty-fourth day was CHOOSING YOUR BREATH.

"Conscious grief work is so important if you want to create a beautiful life after loss. Have you ever sat down and really thought about where you are in your grief journey?"

It has been five years since my miscarriage, and I'm in a good place on my grief journey. There are some who may think I am not because I continue to talk about the baby I lost, but they would be very wrong in their assumption that someone who strives to remember her baby by talking about that child is having difficulty with her grief. To begin with, you never stop grieving the loss of a child, so you can stop waiting for that to happen. And secondly, don't expect a mom to just "get it over it" and "move on" by silencing herself.  Not talking about her child is the worst thing a momma who has lost her child could do. We have to talk about our babies. We must. I think it's a sign of being in a good place on the journey that is grief from loss of a child when a momma can talk about that child.

The twenty-fifth day was EARTH REMEMBRANCE.

For this subject, Carly Marie urged us to plant something to remember our child. Now, I do have an area in my backyard where I have planted two azalea bushes which represent Beth and Hannah. Those bushes were given to me by my speech team at the previous high school I worked at. I've tossed around an idea to plant one for Angel, but I think I found a better idea. I want to get one of these:

I found these memorial stones on the october15th.com website store. I want to get one that has Angel's name and place it between the two azalea bushes representing my other girls. This plan makes me happy.

The twenty-sixth day was GRATITUDE. 

Having an attitude of gratitude really does help to improve your mood and sends your overall quality of life on the upward path.  For that reason, I highly suggest taking the time to count your "blessings." So, here it goes... I'm thankful for many things. I'm thankful for being not only Beth's and Hannah's momma but also Angel's. I'm thankful for an understanding husband. I'm thankful Jesus is our Lord and Savior. I'm thankful for the life of relative ease we live and the jobs that afford us that ease. My glass is more than half full. How about yours?


The twenty-seventh day was SELF-PORTRAIT.

After losing Angel, it took awhile to get comfortable with my new reality. But I can finally say after five years, I am not ashamed of who I am.

The twenty-eighth day was REACH OUT.

It brings me great joy to help mommas do something to remember their children lost too soon. I'm working on doing that now with a friend. More on that next month. :-)

The twenty-ninth day was WHAT HEALS YOU?

I have many answers to this question; it just depends on the day. First and foremost, Jesus heals me. And He uses many things to help me heal: hot chocolate, writing, friends, running, sleep, and chocolate (did I say that already ;-). The point is that I am healing. And my complete healing will come when I am with my savior and my Angel again one day.

The thirtieth day was REFLECTION.

Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief project has been a great vehicle for reflection. So much has happened in the last five years since Angel's loss. Finally, I can see how God can work all things together for the good of those that love Him. I can celebrate what Angel's short life has meant to me and how it has shaped me. I can take pride in the things I have done since then to honor her and remember her. I'm in a good place. I pray you find this good place eventually in your journey of grief.

And tomorrow is the thirty-first day. The subject is SUNSET.

I went ahead and took my picture of the sun setting tonight because I wanted to get this post done and shared now. As I said before, I have enjoyed participating in the project, and I would encourage you to journey through it as well if you have experienced a loss. God bless!

Today's forget-me-not: the Capture Your Grief  journey

The Wave of Light 2015

I am continuing my journey through Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief. Will you journey with me?

The eleventh subject was GLOW IN THE WOODS.

Glow In The Woods is a blog written by baby loss mommas that helped Carly Marie after her loss, so she encouraged us to write about our "Glow In The Woods." I didn't have just one site but many websites that I kept up with that year following my loss. Each of the ladies behind those sites played a role in helping me navigate my early grief. This post from September 28, 2010, listed some of those sites. A few of the links don't work anymore, but some of the blogs are still maintained. Irregardless, I will always remember those ladies, and I hope to hear from all of them again one day. Thankfully, I keep in touch with a couple of those baby loss mommas via Facebook - you know who you are ;-)

The twelfth subject was NORMALIZING GRIEF.

Here is the premise for this topic: "Often while grieving we have feelings of isolation because we fear judgement that what we are feeling isn't normal. But it is amazing to see just how many people feel the same way. When others stand up and express how they feel through sharing their experiences, it allows us to say, "Hey, I feel that way too!" With this topic, Carly Marie has urged us to share something about our grief journey that we may feel is not common but most likely is.

Here is my true confession: sometimes, I'm hesitant to talk about Angel, and I hate that. I guess I pause to speak about her because I think many people find it weird that we gave the baby we lost at eight weeks a name. I think they also find it weird that I go out of my way to do things to remember her. My perception is that most people see an early miscarriage as a thing to be moved on from and not an actual child that was lost. This often confuses me because most of my friends claim to be pro-life and support that cause; yet, when someone loses a baby to miscarriage, she and her family are encouraged to move on. You certainly don't give that baby a name and memorialize the child in any way. Yet, that is what we did. That is what I do. It's a way to honor and remember that child, and it is a way to grieve her. I just wish it wasn't seen as "weird." Maybe it isn't?

The thirteenth subject is REGRETS + TRIGGERS.

I don't really have any regrets concerning my grief - aside from what I said above about being hesitant to say Angel's name, but I do have some grief triggers. August 5th is one of those triggers. The start of August always finds me back in the classroom, and on August 5th, I find my brain can't help but go back to that day when Angel slipped from my body. It remains an emotional day for me.

Also, whenever I hear that a friend has experienced a loss of a child - whether it be by an early miscarriage or, like recently, through some tragedy a young child is taken - my loss is lived all over again. Now, don't get me wrong, I would never equate my loss to anyone's loss, each is different. However, the loss of a child, whatever the age, is the loss of a child, and the loss of one's flesh and blood is painful. Period. And whenever a friend has to endure that, I feel the pain of losing Angel all over again.

The fourteenth subject is EXPRESS YOUR HEART.

For this subject, Carly Marie offers an opportunity to write about whatever is on your heart or mind. The subject that instantly pops into my mind is that of the caregivers. These are the people who go out of their way to be there for you after your loss. I want to give a shout out to them! They don't shy away from your grief. Instead, they want to share in it. And let me tell you, it's a great way to acknowledge the life of the child that was lost. If you are ever so unfortunate to know someone who loses a child, be a caregiver, You can never have enough! I'm so thankful for the friend who made my family a huge meal just a few days after my miscarriage. I'm also thankful for my mother-in-law who did a variety of things to acknowledge and honor Angel's life. I can't say enough about caregivers. LOVE YOU!

The fifteenth subject - today's subject - is THE WAVE OF LIGHT!

I look forward to participating in the wave of light every year. It's the second time of year - August 5th being the other time - that I light Angel's special candle in memory of her and in honor of all babies lost too soon. Tonight, I am also burning a candle for five year old Christian, lost this night a week ago.

Please, participate with us - whether you are a beavered parent or not. Show your support for those that have lost their beloved children. Show that you remember him or her too. And let me thank you ahead of time for doing it!

Today's forget-me-not: Babies lost too soon - no mater the gestation or age.

capturing grief

I'm continuing my journey through Capture Your Grief with Carly Marie. I am enjoying this time of reflection. Any time purposefully spent thinking about Angel brings me joy. Whereas five years ago thoughts of her loss were painful, I can now say that God has given me beauty for those ashes and has turned my mourning into joy. I'm forever blessed being her momma.

The third subject for reflection in this series was IN HONOUR.

When I see those words, I think of the beautiful baby loss mommas I met after my miscarriage who did things in honor of Angel.  Here are two pictures I will forever treasure that they created for me.

The fourth subject was DARK + LIGHT.

This topic reminds me of a post I wrote at a particularly dark time after my miscarriage. Some individuals were saying insensitive things.  I called the post, "I'm okay - don't worry about me!" After reading back over it, I'm thankful to be sharing it here again. I hope it is a light to those in the dark about what to say to someone who experiences the loss of a child.  Check it out. Give it a share.

The fifth subject was EMPATHY.

What is empathy? The dictionary defines this noun as "the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another." You cannot even begin to empathize with a mother who has lost a child unless you have ever lost a child.  You can sympathize, but you cannot empathize. Truly, those that can empathize know best how to respond to someone who has lost a child. I wrote up some suggestions in a post: What can you do when you learn your friend has had a miscarriage? I think these suggestions would apply to any mother who has lost a pregnancy, infant, or young child.  Please read that post. Take it to heart.

The sixth subject was BOOKS.

There was a bible study I joined that was especially helpful to go through after losing Angel. It used a book called Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy.  This book, and that group of ladies, helped me process what the bible, and thus my Jesus, had to say about my miscarriage. I would highly recommend it if you are dealing with a recent loss.

Another book I have to mention is the one I wrote Angel's story for: Because They Lived. For whatever reason, I was drawn to hearing other women's stories about their losses after losing Angel. It helped to know I wasn't alone in my experience and in my grief.  I also recommend that book.

The seventh subject was MEMORY.

For this subject, Carly Marie suggested we share a memory of our child. Angel wasn't here very long, so I don't have much to draw from.  However, my earliest memories surrounding her were joyful and involve when I found out I was pregnant with her. Seeing the positive pregnancy test was particularly exhilarating. I remember being giddy with excitement. She was desperately wanted and dearly loved, still is. Learning I was pregnant with her will forever be one of my greatest moments of happiness in life. 

The eighth subject was WISH LIST.

I can tell you what immediately comes to mind when I think of a personal wish. I wish my friends and my family would make more of an effort to remember Angel. Some do. But many do not. In August, send a message or a card about her passing? In October, do something in honor of her memory?  Those are just a couple ideas. And so I guess my greatest wish of all would be that if someone loses a child to miscarriage, early infant loss, or unexpected tragedy (as some dear friends of mine have endured this past week with the loss of their five year old), that we all just go out of our way to remember the importance of remembering that child - even months or years after he or she is gone. That's my number one wish.

The ninth subject was FAMILY.

My family is Michael, Beth, Hannah, and Angel. It is my in-laws and my relatives. It also encompasses the members of our church, and it extends out to those who care about my well-being and the well-being of those I love.  Life is all about relationships - the greatest of which is the one we have with Jesus. Family is everything. I would do anything for those I consider family.

The tenth subject is WORDS.

For this topic, Carly Marie encouraged us to write whatever is currently on our hearts.

My heart is heavy tonight after the loss of my children's pastor's five year old son, Christian. After going to his viewing, yesterday, and his funeral, today. I'm brokenhearted for his momma and daddy and brothers. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm over loss. I'm ready for Jesus to come and take us all to glory. I am weary of this world.

So many taken far too soon. We will always remember you ALL. Until the day we are together again.

Today's forget-me-not: Christian and his family

Because you never stop grieving

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And this month is dear to my heart.

After losing Angel to an early miscarriage in 2010, I was so happy to learn that there was a month dedicated to remembering babies lost too soon. I vowed to do something special each October going forward.

That first October, I went to a remembrance event nearby with some dear lady friends of mine. It was such a great night of healing.

In 2011,  hubby and I bought flowers that were placed on our church alter in honor and remembrance of Angel and all babies lost too soon.

In 2012, I ran my first Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Memorial 5K.

In 2013, I wrote Angel's story for the book Because They Lived, and it was published soon after.

In 2014, I again ran in the memorial 5K I had run in 2012, but this time, I visited a variety of baby loss pages on Facebook and asked mommas if I could run in honor of their babies too - and the response was amazing! I put those names on my racing shirt. It's a piece of clothing I wear in every PAIL race I run.

This year, to the best of my ability, I'm going to participate in Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief project.

Here is an explanation of the project from Carly's website:

"Capture Your Grief is a mindful healing project for anyone who is grieving the death of a baby or child of any age or gestation. There are 31 subjects, one for each day in the month of October. You are invited to explore each subject and share a photo that captures your own journey. You are welcome to take new photos or use ones from the past. Capture Your Grief is about exploring your grief and discovering more about your thoughts to aid in your journey of healing and personal growth. You can join the project at any time of the month."

The first subject, for October 1st, was SUNRISE.

You couldn't see the sun that morning because it has been pretty cloudy and rainy here for the past week, but the sky did get brighter.

When I took this picture, I remember thinking, "The sun is just beyond those clouds. I can't see it, but it is there." Just knowing it was there and was shinning despite the fact I couldn't see it reminded me of those first months after my loss when I couldn't see anything positive coming out of the loss of my Angel, but having faith in Jesus as I do, I knew He could and would use this, as He does everything in my life, for good, eventually. And that has truly been the case. You can see the evidence of that above where I wrote down the things I have done to honor and remember Angel. She has been a blessing to me and to many others despite her short life on this earth.

The second subject, for, today, October 2nd, is INTENTION.

Carly suggested we fill in the blanks of this sentence: “I intend to ……………. in honor of my precious child/ren ……………..”

Here is my sentence: "I intend to continue to advocate for pregnancy and infant loss awareness in honor of my precious child, Angel."

Whenever I'm provided with an opportunity to speak about my loss in order to help break the silence and shame surrounding miscarriage or to do anything to help the baby loss community, I jump at it. I particularly enjoyed writing Angel's story and helping Katy Larsen promote her book, Because They Lived.

Let me encourage you to share your story - share your baby. Writing about Angel has been a huge part of my journey of grieving and healing.


And let me encourage you to join me Capture Your Grief put together by Carly Marie. Every Friday of this month, I will post my pics as I journey through this project. I look forward to the reflection.

Today's forget-me-not:  Angel and all babies lost too soon!

Please, don't #ShoutYourAbortion

When I found out I was pregnant for the second time, I was beyond thrilled.  My oldest would have a sibling. That dull ache I had for another cute little baby to hold would be satisfied. My husband hoped for a son to balance out all the estrogen in the house.

We began making preparations for our next child as soon as I got the positive pregnancy test. We started cleaning out the guest room to make room for a new crib.  We began to talk about possible names for him or her.

Then, on my 34th birthday, we got the news that our baby, then seven weeks gestation, was not developing as he or she should. And at my eight weeks ultrasound, I saw my baby again - this time with a still heart.

The little life we had celebrated and had prayed for was gone at only eight weeks. We named her Angel.

I'm sharing this with you because as I browse my Twitter feed today, I see women celebrating the deaths of their babies to abortion. And most likely, those little lives were probably around the same gestation as my Angel.

Did you know, according to the most recent data on the CDC website that I could locate, "the majority of abortions in 2011 took place early in gestation: 91.4% of abortions were performed at less than 13 weeks gestation."

Friends, I am sickened! How can anyone find anything positive in the hashtag #ShoutYourAbortion? You are shouting that a baby died. A new life was ended. Potential was robbed.

Lindy West, who appears to be at the lead of this new hashtag trend, recently said this in response to criticism that women who were shouting out abortions were, in essence, celebrating those abortions:

#ShoutYourAbortion is merely about volume, about being in earshot. It has no inherent value judgment except for the absence of shame.  

However, if something is not shameful, that makes it something to be proud of - that is the antithesis here. Antonyms to shame include approval, esteem, honor, praise, respect, and pride. So whereas Ms. West can't understand how anyone would see the use of that hashtag in reference to an abortion as a "celebration" of that abortion, I can't understand how she is blind to that reality.

The truth is this: If you use the hashtag #ShoutYourAbortion in reference to your choice to end your baby's life, you are exhibiting pride in what you have done. Own it.

That hashtag has produced chilling tweets like these:

I've never for 1 second regretted my 2 abortions at 19 and 24. & I know the men in my life haven't either. #ShoutYourAbortion


I've never wanted to have children, so I had an abortion. I'm thriving, without guilt, without shame, without apologies. #ShoutYourAbortion

No regrets. No guilt. No shame. Sounds like a celebration to me.

And this baby loss momma can't understand that.  Losing Angel was a dark time in my life. Something so precious within me was no longer.

Here's some perspective for those shouting out their abortions:

Your flippant shout out devalues that life I lost to miscarriage.    
And your cocky shout out is a slap in the face to those that struggle with infertility.

So, please, just stop the shouting already. You are breaking my heart all over again.

Today's forget-me-not: The sweet babies lost to abortion.

4 Gifts I Gained After My Miscarriage

Today, I have the honor of sharing a post my friend Carol wrote about her miscarriage - which happened about this time last year. Her words really speak to the pain that is miscarriage.  But even more than that, her words reveal how miscarriage can transform you - in a positive way.  If you have recently suffered a loss and are making your way through those depths of despair, be encouraged by this post!  As Carol shows us, God can bring "beauty for ashes" and "a joyous blessing instead of mourning" (Isaiah 61:3 - NLT).

Today's forget-me-not: 


Miscarriage is an ugly word. I don't even like to say it.

It is too much like "mistake" or "miss" -- as in "missed the mark." The pain is a private, intense humiliation that very few can understand. There is grief for a child that you did not know, for a life that was but then wasn't. For a beginning you thought was taking place only to discover that by some cruel trick of nature, the exciting debut has ended without fanfare or explanation.

And you go on, although inside you feel blank -- lost in a too-large gray sweater that has no arm-holes.

And then there is the problem with numbers. When I sit in a doctor's office filling out paperwork and there is a question about pregnancies, I pencil in 4. Then there is a question of live children, and I pencil in 2. Somewhere, in the recesses of my mind, hovers the number 3 as well -- because even though it was my fourth pregnancy, my number of live children would have increased to 3.

But there are only 2.

After my second miscarriage, there was a weariness in my bones following the hospital stay after the loss of that baby. A tiredness when I climbed into the SUV with the extra third row seat we bought to accommodate the baby. A heaviness in my arms -- falling like lead to my sides -- when I am startled by the baby's name "Addison" scrawled on a bulletin board outside my older daughter's classroom at curriculum night. A tiredness when I see pregnant women in Target, two children in tow, and I think that I might have been one of those moms  -- but I'm not.

Wrestling with grief in the days following my most recent loss, I asked God to help me see the beautiful out of the gruesomeness of the day I spent at the hospital, my insides emptying the life I had nourished for 11 1/2 weeks. I inquired very specifically, "Lord, how can this be anything but ugly?"

And I realized that out of the anguish of my pregnancy ending early and my child not forming properly in the way she should have, there were four gifts that came out of my miscarriage.

1. Patience to Slow Down

I am not a patient person. I don't like waiting for anything. Consequently, I have a tendency to power through my day at break-neck speed, so intent on getting to the next thing that I don’t enjoy any one thing in the process. However, after my pregnancy loss, time slowed down in a very beautiful way for me. I began to notice the small – the freckles on my daughter's forehead and the new word in my son's vocabulary.

After my release from the hospital, it was such an effort for me to even get anywhere -- a trip to the grocery store unexpectedly took on meaning. In some of those first trips out to the supermarket, I shuffled slowly down each aisle, savoring sale signs and new products on the shelves. The grocery store (once just one stop in my busy day) became my day. Because I spent so much time in bed in the weeks after I was released, I became grateful for any trip outside of my house that even a trip down a pasta aisle became an interesting adventure.

I didn't have to get exasperated when the new cashier took too long or someone cut in front of me in line. For the first time in a long while, I had all the time in the world. And it was OK to be interrupted and inconvenienced. I felt that the suffering I went through helped me to slow down the fast pace of my life and appreciate the ordinary moments I had once hastily rushed past.

2.  Compassion for Others

In addition to helping me put the brakes on in my busy life, my miscarriage helped me find empathy for others’ suffering in a way I couldn’t feel before I went through my own painful ordeal. As my strength failed me, and I had to struggle through weeks of recovery, I suddenly was ashamed to remember how I treated the woman I had known who had experienced her sixth miscarriage.

Rather than approach the awkward topic, I had simply circumvented it -- and circumvented her.

I regretfully remembered rolling my eyes when reading about a friend's bout with illness on Facebook -- as this friend always seemed to be venting about a pain or malady.

I unfortunately recalled feeling very annoyed by another woman I knew who had limited her diet to just a few items in an attempt to not trigger her digestive problems.

I had a total lack of compassion for these people because I had taken my own health for granted and couldn't feel their pain without first experiencing my own. I hadn't known what to say to the woman with the multiple miscarriages or the friend with the health issues or the woman with irritable bowel syndrome.

Miscarriage helped me to remember what it felt like to suffer. I was surprised to find myself rushing over to my neighbor's house to console her after her husband's stroke -- surprised to feel a surge of caring inside of me where before there had only been a selfish need to look out for myself.

3. Increased Spiritual Awareness

Not only did I have an increase in patience and compassion after my miscarriage, I had an increase in spiritual awareness. As I mentioned, my miscarriage took a toll on my body, and I quickly realized right after my hospital release that I couldn’t walk without feeling horribly dizzy or weak.

At a follow-up visit a week later, I felt so horrible that I could barely manage the trek from the parking lot to the office. My hemoglobin level was at a 7.1 (a normal woman’s range is between 12 and 17).

Yet even in that depleted physical state, I felt God nudge me to speak to three different women at the doctor’s office within the same follow-up visit. I knew that I had a spiritual gifting in the prophetic and occasionally got a Bible verse or a few lines from God to share with someone – but those words came few and far between – and were usually for friends or family members. For whatever reason, right after my miscarriage, I began to get words of help or encouragement specifically for people in regards to their emotional or physical health. People I didn’t even know.

I had never considered that God might want me to minister to others in these areas. But out of my suffering was birthed an increased awareness in the spiritual realm and a desire to write these God experiences down (which I do regularly on my blog).

4.  Dependence on Him:

One last gift that I felt came out of my miscarriage was a greater dependence on God. From the moment that I woke up and felt that something wasn't right in my body to the moment I arrived at the hospital, I knew that I had nowhere to turn but God. On the way to the hospital I prayed, and felt peace. In the hospital, I prayed and had peace. And when I arrived home and faced the darkness of grief, I prayed and found peace. I really had no alternative -- I was in a pit and knew that I couldn't get out of it myself. I needed God!

Particularly, in the weeks following the loss, I was angry that this might be the end to my child-bearing story. The pregnancy had been unplanned, and I struggled to know why it had happened at all. What was the purpose? Why did it end this way? Would I ever have more children?

I felt Him give me an answer, and it was a picture of His son dying on the cross: Jesus' mangled, disrespected, sword-pierced body. I realized that God allowed His own son's body to be abused and damaged for a purpose, and even out of that tragic event came the beauty of salvation for all mankind. Although ugly to the onlookers at the cross, that body became beautiful and whole again once Jesus did the Father's will and rose again.

If God would allow His own son to go through such treatment, I could live with the suffering I went through in my baby's death.

He helped me get past those intense painful feelings of betrayal and hurt in the first few weeks after the loss -- and even now, as I am reminded occasionally of my less than perfect circumstances.

God doesn't really see things the way that I see them. While all I saw at the hospital was the damage of my baby's not-yet-fully formed body, God saw something different: He saw who she was before she was even conceived. While I only saw a piece of her life, He saw the whole picture and still does.

I felt the imprint of her spirit on me that day in the hospital, and I wanted to see more. I asked Him if I could see a glimpse of who she was.

I didn't really expect to get an answer to my prayer, but for just a moment, I got a flash of a freckled-faced, laughing girl across the screen of my mind. I really felt for a second that I knew her.

Though I don’t wish that I had lost my baby or wish miscarriage on anyone else, as I look back, I am seeing the ways that God is bringing me good through a situation I once viewed as only bad.


I am learning how God is bringing “beauty for ashes” and “a joyous blessing instead of mourning” (Isaiah 61:3 -- NLT).


   Carol is a fellow sister-in-Christ who leads a women's blog at Beulah Girl: a spiritual life/emotional health blog filled with stories and lessons God has taught her.  She has a heart for helping women find their identity in Christ. Check out her inspirational prose!

Other posts by Carol that might encourage you include "The Saddest Thing Ever" and "Muddy Footprints (and a Soul on Trial)."

Making Time for Unfinished Business

This week, I'm participating in a linkup with blogger and author Bonnie Gray.

I've written a couple posts where I talk about the impact Bonnie's book, Spiritual Whitespace, has had in my life.  It is a MUST read for every Christian lady!

In her book, Bonnie talks about the importance of resting in Jesus:

"Rest is not a lifestyle. Rest is a living journey - a relationship - into 

our most vulnerable places. With Jesus."

Bonnie teaches her readers to look at rest from a variety of angels.  In other words, resting in Jesus can look like many things! I wrote a blog post not too long ago about how spending time with our Lord can take on a variety of shapes.  Resting in Jesus is also like this.

In her book, Bonnie talks about four ways we can rest in Jesus - what she calls whitespace "drinks":

Enjoy a Creative Cappuccino. Feed your soul with a delicious espresso of creative whitespace poured into the artistic you, etching artful patterns of rest onto your soul.

Enjoy an Adventure Latte. Feed your soul with a generous shot of God’s rest steamed with his presence, sweetened with your pick of adventure for added flavor.

Enjoy a Friendship Mocha. Feed your soul with a sweet treat of friendship is mixed in with soothing relational rest, topped with the whipped cream topping of an open heart.

Enjoy a Soul-Care Espresso. Feed your soul with a freshly ground espresso shot of intimate rest, hand-pulled by the heart of Jesus, just for you.

For this week's linkup on Bonnie's blog, she asks her readers to write in response to the following question:

Which of the four elements of spiritual whitespace is your soul craving the most today: creativity, adventure, community, or soul care?

Me? Right now? I am craving a creative cappuccino.  Specifically, I need time to paint.

Every year, I paint a ceramic piece to placed in my Christmas village.

Each piece represents a year my husband and I have spent a Christmas together.  But there was one year out of our now fifteen years of marriage that I neglected to paint a piece.  It was the year of my miscarriage; the year we lost Angel.

For the longest time, I told myself that was fitting.  It was a year of loss, so it made sense that the year of 2010 would lose representation in my village scene.  The missing piece would be a symbol of the terrible loss we experienced that year.

But then I found this piece - an unpainted bridge.

When I saw it, I felt God's Spirit move within me.  I felt as if He was saying that this piece should be my 2010 village piece; this piece should be Angel's piece.

Bridges symbolize transition and change.  They represent transformation and rebirth.

Angel was that for me.  Her brief life forever changed me (read more on that in this post: "Because Angel Lived"), and that change should be marked, should be respected and acknowledged, by something in my Christmas village.  And that something will be this bridge.

And right now, every time I see that unfinished arch , I yearn for time to paint it!  My soul screams out to make time to acknowledge what God did in my life through Angel by painting this memento and ensuring it holds a place in this Christmas' village scene.

I need to make space in my life to complete this project.  Spiritual whitespace where I paint and praise Jesus for the little life that was my Angel.

It is time to make time!  No more excuses!  As Bonnie says, "Give yourself permission to enjoy rest.  Not because you have to - but because you want to. And God wants it for you too."

Today's forget-me-not: It is important to make time for rest - ALL kinds of rest.

"Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their [the Israelites'] example of disobedience" (Hebrews 4:11).

GUEST POST: When God Says No

"What kind of a God would let me lose a baby, miss out on important ministry opportunities, and make me stand on the outside while others lived out what I wanted to do?"

Today, I want to share with you a post written by a friend of mine: Carol.  This post asks an excellent question and provides an excellent answer.  When God says, "No," what do you do?  And if you are a baby loss momma, you've heard His "No" in the most heartbreaking way. Is there life after baby loss? Or after a dream is destroyed?  Keep reading and be comforted: He has a plan for you!

Today's forget me not...    


This past summer, after a miscarriage and surgery, I went home and immediately felt something wasn’t right in my body. I called up the nurse, and she rationalized that I was most likely experiencing side effects from the drugs administered in the emergency room.

But I still felt really funny.

My heart raced uncontrollably even when I was lying down. I felt so out of breath, foggy — I couldn’t think clearly, and my heartbeat pulsated in a painful way right at the top of my skull.

A few days later, I tried to make an effort to go out for my birthday — just pizza and shopping at a local outlet mall. “Something is wrong with me,” I told my husband as I struggled to walk the distance of the parking lot. I just didn’t feel good. My body felt so sluggish — my mind in a fuzzy cloud.

A doctor’s visit the next week revealed the problem: my hemoglobin levels had dropped very low, and my heart was working overtime to circulate oxygen. I couldn’t get out of bed without feeling like I would collapse. My doctor’s office wanted to set up a blood transfusion, but when I discussed it with my husband, he didn’t like all the risks.

We made the difficult decision for me to let my body heal itself in a slow process over the next few months. I rested at home for several weeks, and when I did finally get enough strength to go back to church, I was devastated. My first Sunday back corresponded with the release date of our church worship team’s first single.

My dream had always been to sing and write music. But I had walked away from the worship team a year before that to enroll in a Hope ministry training when God had asked me to give up music. Not only that, another opportunity had already shattered and fallen at my feet.

I had been asked to volunteer to serve on a leadership team for a brand new women’s ministry for young moms. Comprised of many of my close friends, the team was a perfect fit for me. Or so I thought. I had been praying for a long time that God would open a door for me into ministry.

However, the women’s event was scheduled just a few weeks after my surgery. I kept praying and hoping God would let me get well enough to help. But that didn’t happen. I was too sick — I couldn’t stay on my feet for long periods of time, much less go anywhere without the support of my husband’s arm. The avenue that I thought God was opening for me wasn’t really an avenue at all — my health made it impossible for me to take part in the event.

As I left church early that first Sunday back — mostly to avoid sympathetic friends and suffocating stares, I drove home and went straight up to my room, fell on my bed and cried.

I picked up the book I had been reading on my bedside table, Love, Skip, Jump by Shelene Bryan, and I happened to turn to a chapter in which Bryan describes the rejection of a pitch for a new show she had worked so hard to present to several prominent television networks. She relates: “I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t help but ask God, ‘Lord what was that all about? Why did You have me walk into all those networks and pitch this idea that you placed on my heart if it was going to be a Big Fat No?’ ”

I didn’t like the passage I was reading. I wanted Bryan to provide me the answer I wanted to hear — that I was going to be well and all of the hopes I had were going to come to pass. But as if to further pound the truth that God was moving me into the background for a season, I opened my Facebook to these words by Nikki Koziarz: “Sometimes we look to follow someone else’s path toward our calling. But maybe today God is saying, ‘Don’t follow them, follow me.’ His way is unique and unstoppable” (Psalms 32:8).

To be honest, I was angry. What kind of a God would let me lose a baby, miss out on important ministry opportunities and stand on the outside while others lived out what I wanted to do?

However, as much as I could feel stuff breaking inside me as I experienced the pain of watching others get to joyfully participate in that which I wanted to be a part of, I felt some truths resonate in my heart:

1.  I don’t have the right to do anything but the will of the Father: Jesus often said that He only came to do the will of the One who sent Him. This meant that He was selective in the choices and decisions He made. He didn’t jump into every opportunity that came His way, and He didn’t make decisions to please Himself or achieve His own selfish goals. He even asked on occasion for there to be a different way when He knew the path would be difficult, as when He prayed for the “cup to pass from Him” in the Garden of Gethsemane (Luke 22:42).

2.  What I give up, He may give back to me: There have been times that I have passed up on a chance when I felt a “no” in my spirit only to find that God gives me the very thing I wanted at a later time — in a way beyond what I could have imagined or planned. Even though Bryan had to give up her dream of her reality show idea, she realized after some prayer that God was asking her to still implement her village makeover idea without the cameras. He gave her a “yes” in a way that was different than she anticipated — and she would have missed it if she continued to plow ahead with her reality show vision.

3.  All promotion comes from the Lord. So many times, I am trapped into thinking that the doors are closed in my face because I am not liked by certain individuals, but God has continually shown me that promotion comes from Him (Psalm 75:6). If He truly wants me in a place of ministry, He will place me there in His timing, and He will show me the path He has for me to get there.

4.  When I’m stuck, I should do what’s in front of me. By looking only ahead at my goal, I may miss the obvious opportunity or step I am to take right in front of me. As Bryan concludes in her chapter: “Sometimes I can get so excited to do something that I’ll bust down a wall in the name of Jesus. Then God kindly points out the door that He already placed for me to walk through. Oops.”

If you’re anything like me, I can get so overwhelmed looking at how far away I am from my desired destination that I start to panic and forget what I can be doing in the moment. I can miss the assignment that Jesus has put in my lap for today in my anxious desire to get to tomorrow. As Sarah Young says in her Jesus Calling devotion:

When things seem to be going all wrong, stop and affirm your trust in Me. Calmly bring these matters to Me, and leave them in My capable hands. Then, simply do the next thing. Stay in touch with Me through thankful, trusting prayers, resting in My sovereign control. Rejoice in Me — exult in the God of your salvation! As you trust in Me, I make your feel like the feet of a deer, I enable you to walk and make progress upon your places of trouble, suffering, or responsibility. Be blessed and keep trusting!”

Young encourages me that when the promise hasn’t come true, when I am not in the place I want to be, I need to do the task that is in front of me right now. It may have nothing to do with my calling or may not even be what I feel is the future God has for me, but it is what God is calling me to in this moment.

And the other truth I know is this: Deep inside of me a little voice whispers that some of His promises, particularly about music, haven’t come true yet because I’m not finished. He wants me working on something I would rather not work on — a different project that I’ve left undone. I’ve skipped some steps, pushed off some things for another day. And I need to complete God’s assignment in order to obtain His blessings.

Consider George Matheson’s prayer from Streams in the Desert:

Dear Holy Spirit, my desire is to be led by You. Nevertheless, my opportunities for usefulness seem to be disappointed, for today the door appears open in to a life of service for You but tomorrow it closes before me just as I am about to enter. Teach me to see another door even in the midst of the inaction of this time. Help me to find, even in the area of service where You have closed a door, a new entrance into Your service. Inspire me with the knowledge that a person may sometimes be called to serve by doing nothing, by staying still, or by waiting. And when I remember the power of Your ‘gentle whisper’ (1 Kings 19:12), I will not complain that sometimes the Spirit allows me not to go.”

Related Bible Verses:

Psalm 32:8: “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.”

Luke 22:42: ” ‘Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.’ ”

Psalm 75:6: “No one from the east or the west or from the desert can exalt themselves. It is God who judges: He brings one down, he exalts another.”

1 Kings 19:12: “After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.”

Recommended Resources:

Love, Skip, Jump: The Adventure of Yes by Shelene Bryan is about knowing how to discern God’s will for your life and taking the plunge into the exciting future He has for you. Bryan talks about displaying the love of God to others, skipping conveniences to minister to others, and jumping into your calling.

Streams in the Desert is a devotional by L.B. Cowman that specifically speaks to and encourages Christians in tough spiritual desert places. Cowman includes her own writings as well as a compilation of excerpts from well-known preachers and writers.


 Carol is a fellow sister-in-Christ who blogs at Beulah Girl: a spiritual life/emotional health blog filled with stories and lessons God has taught her.  She has a heart for helping women find their identity in Christ. Check out her inspirational prose!

We are a family of five.

It has been almost five years since my miscarriage, and there are still moments when I feel the loss as if it were yesterday.

Last Friday, as I drove my oldest daughter, Beth, to meet  up with a friend for a sleepover, the conversation somehow turned to Angel.  She asked me again - she's asked before - what we would have named the baby. I told her. Then she asked why we didn't name Hannah by that name. A legitimate question.  But I explained to her, the baby deserved her own name. And cue a pang of sadness.

Then she said, as if it just occurred to her, "I would have had two sisters! There would have been five of us!" And she smiled and giggled at the thought of it.

I didn't correct her because at the time I didn't really think about it as I was still in shock after hearing her astute questions and innocent reaction to her own observations, but I should have corrected her.  

There are five of us in this family.  One of which just isn't here right now but awaiting us in heaven.

We are a family of five.

Later on that same day, I clicked on a Facebook page a friend shared called Amazing Grace.  It's a page put up in honor of baby Grace - a baby with Trisonomy 18.  A fatal condition. Fifty percent of babies with this condition are born still, and most others pass soon after birth.  

I began following the page, and it was posted this week that Grace had been born - alive.  There was a beautiful picture of the momma holding her baby girl.  More pictures followed with Grace's dad and younger sister soaking up every possible minute that they could get with her.  And then, 22 hours after her birth, Grace was gone. 

Grace's sister may innocently say one day, "I would have had a sister!  There would have been four of us!"

And I'm sure her momma will reply, "Oh, but sweet girl, you do have a sister!  And there are four of us!  We are a family of four."

Losing a child, a sibling, that baby that was here but is no longer, it's a unique type of grief that creates a unique dynamic in families.  It's hard to explain.  But if you are a baby loss momma, you know what I mean.

I can say this, my heart rejoices that Grace's momma shared her with us and celebrated her birth with us.  And my heart rejoices that my Beth feels comfortable talking about her sister Angel.  

Together, Grace's mom and I, we're changing the current off-limits status on this subject to one of open-discussion. And my heart rejoices to know it.

My Friday concluded with yet another venture into the topic of baby loss.  I had just finished watching the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy.  In it, a pregnant mother is told that her baby has osteogenesis imperfecta, and she knows this means that, most likely, her baby will die upon birth.  And as she told her husband that the baby is a boy, they hugged each other and cried.  And I cried.  And for the third time that day, I felt my loss all over again.

And yet, I rejoiced - I am rejoicing - because a major TV show is talking about baby loss! 

Here's the message people:  talk about it.  TALK ABOUT THEM.  Let's celebrate these babies, because they lived.  Let's do this by talking about them.  

If you or someone you know has recently experienced a loss, encourage her to talk about her baby.  Encourage her to write down her story.  It helps - in so many ways.  And then encourage  her to share her story - to share her baby.  

Reconceiving Loss and Return to Zero (the movie) have put together an electronic archive to commemorate our babies.  Click HERE and consider sharing or encourage someone else to share. Because it will help - it will help the momma, other mommas, and those in the dark about this topic. 

We need to spread the word!  It's okay to acknowledge that baby. He or she was here.  

Today's forget-me-not:  There are five of us in our family.  How many are in yours?

Here is the scene from Grey's that got my tears flowing.  Get tissues before you click on it!