4 Gifts I Gained After My Miscarriage

Today, I have the honor of sharing a post my friend Carol wrote about her miscarriage - which happened about this time last year. Her words really speak to the pain that is miscarriage.  But even more than that, her words reveal how miscarriage can transform you - in a positive way.  If you have recently suffered a loss and are making your way through those depths of despair, be encouraged by this post!  As Carol shows us, God can bring "beauty for ashes" and "a joyous blessing instead of mourning" (Isaiah 61:3 - NLT).

Today's forget-me-not: 


Miscarriage is an ugly word. I don't even like to say it.

It is too much like "mistake" or "miss" -- as in "missed the mark." The pain is a private, intense humiliation that very few can understand. There is grief for a child that you did not know, for a life that was but then wasn't. For a beginning you thought was taking place only to discover that by some cruel trick of nature, the exciting debut has ended without fanfare or explanation.

And you go on, although inside you feel blank -- lost in a too-large gray sweater that has no arm-holes.

And then there is the problem with numbers. When I sit in a doctor's office filling out paperwork and there is a question about pregnancies, I pencil in 4. Then there is a question of live children, and I pencil in 2. Somewhere, in the recesses of my mind, hovers the number 3 as well -- because even though it was my fourth pregnancy, my number of live children would have increased to 3.

But there are only 2.

After my second miscarriage, there was a weariness in my bones following the hospital stay after the loss of that baby. A tiredness when I climbed into the SUV with the extra third row seat we bought to accommodate the baby. A heaviness in my arms -- falling like lead to my sides -- when I am startled by the baby's name "Addison" scrawled on a bulletin board outside my older daughter's classroom at curriculum night. A tiredness when I see pregnant women in Target, two children in tow, and I think that I might have been one of those moms  -- but I'm not.

Wrestling with grief in the days following my most recent loss, I asked God to help me see the beautiful out of the gruesomeness of the day I spent at the hospital, my insides emptying the life I had nourished for 11 1/2 weeks. I inquired very specifically, "Lord, how can this be anything but ugly?"

And I realized that out of the anguish of my pregnancy ending early and my child not forming properly in the way she should have, there were four gifts that came out of my miscarriage.

1. Patience to Slow Down

I am not a patient person. I don't like waiting for anything. Consequently, I have a tendency to power through my day at break-neck speed, so intent on getting to the next thing that I don’t enjoy any one thing in the process. However, after my pregnancy loss, time slowed down in a very beautiful way for me. I began to notice the small – the freckles on my daughter's forehead and the new word in my son's vocabulary.

After my release from the hospital, it was such an effort for me to even get anywhere -- a trip to the grocery store unexpectedly took on meaning. In some of those first trips out to the supermarket, I shuffled slowly down each aisle, savoring sale signs and new products on the shelves. The grocery store (once just one stop in my busy day) became my day. Because I spent so much time in bed in the weeks after I was released, I became grateful for any trip outside of my house that even a trip down a pasta aisle became an interesting adventure.

I didn't have to get exasperated when the new cashier took too long or someone cut in front of me in line. For the first time in a long while, I had all the time in the world. And it was OK to be interrupted and inconvenienced. I felt that the suffering I went through helped me to slow down the fast pace of my life and appreciate the ordinary moments I had once hastily rushed past.

2.  Compassion for Others

In addition to helping me put the brakes on in my busy life, my miscarriage helped me find empathy for others’ suffering in a way I couldn’t feel before I went through my own painful ordeal. As my strength failed me, and I had to struggle through weeks of recovery, I suddenly was ashamed to remember how I treated the woman I had known who had experienced her sixth miscarriage.

Rather than approach the awkward topic, I had simply circumvented it -- and circumvented her.

I regretfully remembered rolling my eyes when reading about a friend's bout with illness on Facebook -- as this friend always seemed to be venting about a pain or malady.

I unfortunately recalled feeling very annoyed by another woman I knew who had limited her diet to just a few items in an attempt to not trigger her digestive problems.

I had a total lack of compassion for these people because I had taken my own health for granted and couldn't feel their pain without first experiencing my own. I hadn't known what to say to the woman with the multiple miscarriages or the friend with the health issues or the woman with irritable bowel syndrome.

Miscarriage helped me to remember what it felt like to suffer. I was surprised to find myself rushing over to my neighbor's house to console her after her husband's stroke -- surprised to feel a surge of caring inside of me where before there had only been a selfish need to look out for myself.

3. Increased Spiritual Awareness

Not only did I have an increase in patience and compassion after my miscarriage, I had an increase in spiritual awareness. As I mentioned, my miscarriage took a toll on my body, and I quickly realized right after my hospital release that I couldn’t walk without feeling horribly dizzy or weak.

At a follow-up visit a week later, I felt so horrible that I could barely manage the trek from the parking lot to the office. My hemoglobin level was at a 7.1 (a normal woman’s range is between 12 and 17).

Yet even in that depleted physical state, I felt God nudge me to speak to three different women at the doctor’s office within the same follow-up visit. I knew that I had a spiritual gifting in the prophetic and occasionally got a Bible verse or a few lines from God to share with someone – but those words came few and far between – and were usually for friends or family members. For whatever reason, right after my miscarriage, I began to get words of help or encouragement specifically for people in regards to their emotional or physical health. People I didn’t even know.

I had never considered that God might want me to minister to others in these areas. But out of my suffering was birthed an increased awareness in the spiritual realm and a desire to write these God experiences down (which I do regularly on my blog).

4.  Dependence on Him:

One last gift that I felt came out of my miscarriage was a greater dependence on God. From the moment that I woke up and felt that something wasn't right in my body to the moment I arrived at the hospital, I knew that I had nowhere to turn but God. On the way to the hospital I prayed, and felt peace. In the hospital, I prayed and had peace. And when I arrived home and faced the darkness of grief, I prayed and found peace. I really had no alternative -- I was in a pit and knew that I couldn't get out of it myself. I needed God!

Particularly, in the weeks following the loss, I was angry that this might be the end to my child-bearing story. The pregnancy had been unplanned, and I struggled to know why it had happened at all. What was the purpose? Why did it end this way? Would I ever have more children?

I felt Him give me an answer, and it was a picture of His son dying on the cross: Jesus' mangled, disrespected, sword-pierced body. I realized that God allowed His own son's body to be abused and damaged for a purpose, and even out of that tragic event came the beauty of salvation for all mankind. Although ugly to the onlookers at the cross, that body became beautiful and whole again once Jesus did the Father's will and rose again.

If God would allow His own son to go through such treatment, I could live with the suffering I went through in my baby's death.

He helped me get past those intense painful feelings of betrayal and hurt in the first few weeks after the loss -- and even now, as I am reminded occasionally of my less than perfect circumstances.

God doesn't really see things the way that I see them. While all I saw at the hospital was the damage of my baby's not-yet-fully formed body, God saw something different: He saw who she was before she was even conceived. While I only saw a piece of her life, He saw the whole picture and still does.

I felt the imprint of her spirit on me that day in the hospital, and I wanted to see more. I asked Him if I could see a glimpse of who she was.

I didn't really expect to get an answer to my prayer, but for just a moment, I got a flash of a freckled-faced, laughing girl across the screen of my mind. I really felt for a second that I knew her.

Though I don’t wish that I had lost my baby or wish miscarriage on anyone else, as I look back, I am seeing the ways that God is bringing me good through a situation I once viewed as only bad.


I am learning how God is bringing “beauty for ashes” and “a joyous blessing instead of mourning” (Isaiah 61:3 -- NLT).


   Carol is a fellow sister-in-Christ who leads a women's blog at Beulah Girl: a spiritual life/emotional health blog filled with stories and lessons God has taught her.  She has a heart for helping women find their identity in Christ. Check out her inspirational prose!

Other posts by Carol that might encourage you include "The Saddest Thing Ever" and "Muddy Footprints (and a Soul on Trial)."

What can you do when you learn your friend has had a miscarriage?

It has happened again.  Another dear friend of mine has suffered a miscarriage.

I hate it.

I know the darkness that comes with pregnancy loss. I know the loneliness.  I know the pain - physical and emotional - that overwhelms.

And I just want to make it all go away for her.  But I can't.  And that is frustrating.

So, is there anything someone can do for a friend who has suffered a miscarriage?

To answer this question, I thought back to the days right after I lost our Angel.  I thought back to what others had done that helped me as I began to work through my loss.  Here is a list of things you should consider doing for your friend as she grieves.

1. Take a meal.  The last thing a grieving parent should have to think about during this time is what to make for dinner.  Mom and dad (and their children if they have any previous to this loss) need to eat - even if they don't want to. Help them out. Take that chore off their to-do-list and - in a kindness that will speak love to their hearts - take them a meal.
2. Be there to listen.  I have found that grieving mothers want to tell their stories.  It helps them to process what happened. All you have to do is make yourself available.  Sit with your friend. Listen. If need be, cry with her and give her a hug.  Just being there to listen can help so much!
3. Say very little.  For some women, remarks meant to console like "Perhaps this (the miscarriage) was for the best" or "I'm sure you'll be able to have other children" or "This happens to a lot of women" may be comforting, but to other women, these statements seem to minimize their losses.  Instead, you can never go wrong with simply expressing your sadness at her loss and/or giving her a hug. Again, just be there for her.
4. Consider a small gesture.  Send her and the father - he lost a baby too - a card, or flowers, or some other small token of remembrance.  Gestures such as these acknowledge your friend's pain and acknowledge the life of her child - two things that are often overlooked after one experiences a miscarriage. Never be afraid to remember your friend's baby.  Be certain, she will never forget that little one - no matter how long he or she was in her womb.  To acknowledge the baby is to acknowledge her and what she went through. It makes the experience less lonely and honors the little life that passed too soon from this earth.
5. If she already has children, take them for a couple hours, for a whole day, or for a sleepover.  Your friend and her spouse need time to grieve. It is nearly impossible to do this with children around who demand your constant attention.  If it is at all possible for you to do this, it would be greatly appreciated!

Above all, remember that your friend just lost a child. Yes, the baby was only a few weeks or months old, but in that time, this new mother made plans for her baby's future: perhaps she narrowed down a list of potential names, perhaps she cleaned a room in anticipation of the arrival of this new family member, or perhaps she bought a few new baby items. 

One thing is for certain.  For her, this new mother loved loves her child, and now, that baby is gone.

She will grieve. She will cry.  And eventually, although it will leave a scar, she will heal.

Will you help her?

Today's forget-me-not: The grieving mothers of miscarriage.  See them. Support them.

Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Talk about that baby!

Not long after I lost our second child - Angel - to an early miscarriage at eight weeks, I knew I wanted to help foster dialogue about pregnancy and infant loss as a way to remember her.  As a result, I eagerly participate in projects that help give a voice to this taboo subject.

For example, when I heard that Katy Larsen - a fellow blogger - was putting together a compilation of stories written by women who had experienced a loss and was looking for submissions for her new book, I jumped at the opportunity to write and share the story of my miscarriage.  The result of Katy's efforts is a beautiful book called Because They Lived. My story, entitled "Because Angel Lived," is featured in the book. It made my heart soar to see it in print and to know that others might read it and be comforted by the reality that they are not alone if they have just suffered a loss.

Recently, a friend shared with me another project aimed at breaking the silence and erasing the shame that surrounds miscarriage called Don't Talk About The Baby (DTATB).  This project is working to put together a documentary film "that explores the culture and shame surrounding miscarriage and infertility," and they are calling for stories:

We want your voice to be heard, and you don't need to be a part of the final film in order to tell your story. We encourage you to record your story and share it with us, so that we can share it with the DTATB community.  Tell us about your journey. Tell us about your baby, your loss, your treatments, your life, and how you're breaking your silence to take the stigma away from miscarriage and infertility. There are no guidelines concerning video content or swearing, so please feel free to tell your story exactly as you feel most comfortable telling it. Simply record your video, upload it to YouTube and contact us with the link. We'll add your video to the website, and may feature it on the Facebook and Twitter pages. Your story is an important part of this movement, and we'd be honored to share it with the world on your behalf. 

Although the idea of filming myself was a bit uncomfortable, I knew I had to do this!  So one afternoon during Christmas break, I set up the camera in our bedroom, pulled up "Because Angel Lived" on my computer, and filmed myself reading the piece I had written  for Katy Larsen's book.  The result is below and is today's forget-me-not.

After sharing my video with DTATB, they contacted me and said they had decided to feature my video on their Facebook and Twitter pages with plans to also share it on the DTATB website!  To say I was thrilled would be a huge understatement!  There is even a possibility that I could be interviewed for the documentary!!

And then, I got a message via Facebook from an old friend.  I had shared the DTATB page on my timeline, and she had seen it in her newsfeed.  After watching my video, she sent me this:

Jamie, I just listened to your story "Because Angel Lived" and I feel the need to message you and let you know how it affected me. It is not going to be the same as you would expect. I don't know how much you remember but in Jan of 2000 my husband and I lost our son at 14 weeks into our pregnancy. It was considered a live birth even though he could have only lasted maybe seconds. That remains to this day the most devastating day of my life. It took me a very long time to grieve and get to a point where I could move on. It was ultimately the birth [of my second son] later that year that saved me. There were still things about that time that I never got over and one of them involved you. On July 4th, which was my original due date, we were at your house for a celebration but I wasn't feeling much like celebrating. You and I ended up talking some and during the conversation at one point you told me that it was time for me to move on. Those words broke me because I couldn't move on and I felt ultimately abandoned by the friend who had been so supportive. When you lost your Angel, my heart broke for you. I would not wish that pain on anyone and I grieved for you and your family. At the same time I realized that I was still upset with what had happened all those years ago and that, in some ways, it kept a slight wedge on how I could view you as a friend. I was cautious and afraid to be close to you again. I prayed that you would have the support and understanding you needed during that time but did my best to distance myself from it. Hearing your words tonight gave me the closure I needed. Hearing you admit that you had said things in the past to others grieving that you were hurt by and knowing that in your heart you thought you were doing the right thing helped me to let go of that hurt and finally fully forgive. So thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for being so honest and open and saying all of the things I wanted to say to you 15 years ago. I hope that because of your story there will be less hurt between friends because there will be more understanding. Because Angel lived, there was forgiveness and healing.

 Her message to me is the exact reason why we MUST talk about miscarriage and infant loss!

I do remember when I admonished her to move on from her loss - as if someone could ever move on from the loss of a child.  And as I say in "Because Angel Lived," when I said those insensitive words to my friend, I said it in complete ignorance. I admit my this in the following portion from "Because Angel Lived":

I understood the comments after my loss were coming from those who had good intentions.  I knew this to be true because before my loss, I had offered up those same condolences to friends of mine who had experienced miscarriages.  At that time, I didn’t know how to comfort a woman who had just experienced the loss of a baby. 

My friend's e-mail to me was humbling for me to read and inspirational.  Her message confirmed to me that sharing my story - and Angel's story - is something I must continue to do.  Because if reading my story or something on this blog helps there be, as she says, "less hurt between friends [and family]," that's all I could ever dream or hope for!

"Because Angel lived, there was forgiveness and healing."

What an undeserved gift those words are to my soul!  Love you, my friend!!!

Today's forget-me-not:

reality

I've been watching a lot of mindless TV lately - something I really need to cut back on - but I've been sick. So, as a result of feeling crappy and tired after a long day at work, I like to kick up my feet and transport myself to other "worlds" via a good episode of one of my - many - favorite series on television.  Anyway, the result is a yet another blog post inspired by a TV show.  This time, it's Grey's Anatomy.

Okay, before you throw stones ;-) I know it's not exactly the most Christian show, but life - reality in this world - ain't Christian, and one reason I like the show is because it's real.  Real people trying to deal with every day real problems. Often, it isn't pretty.  Well, if you want more on that perspective, you'll have to read this old post.

Any whoooo.....  In the most recent episode of Grey's, one of the characters has a miscarriage.  And as I'm watching her and her partner wrestle the emotions that come in the aftermath of this, I feel the pain of my loss all over again.

You see, it's always there.  Under the surface of every day life, it's there.  The grief.  That NEVER goes away.  You learn how to deal with it, but it's always there.  And then - unexpectedly - quite suddenly - it's THERE. 

Like when you're watching a TV show and one of the characters experiences a pain that you went through and then, IT is there again.  Fresh. Anew. An open wound. That's my reality.

I don't mind it.  Not really.  Because it forces me to remember, and I never want to forget.  My Angel.

And so, I wanted to blog about this.  Why?  Because people need to understand the magnitude of what a miscarriage does to a woman.  Because we - sufferers of a miscarriage - need to speak about this for healing and for those just now going through this pain, to encourage them in their struggle.

Discussion about loss - miscarriage - needs to happen for the topic to become less taboo.  So baby loss mommas won't feel as if they have to keep quiet. So they can find support. And so those who haven't suffered a miscarriage can know what their friends have gone through and how to love them and be there for them.

I'm passionate about this topic, can you tell?

Will you help me?

I was honored to be a part of a project inspired by a fellow baby loss momma - Katy Larsen.  She put together a book - Because They Lived - which is a compilation of stories from women who have experienced pregnancy loss - my story is included.  All proceeds from the books go to fund causes directly related to pregnancy loss. 

Katy is asking for donations so that the causes that are near and dear to our baby loss momma hearts can receive the funding they need to thrive. 

"We ask, especially at this time of year, for your support and generosity to help us reach our goals as shown in the pitch video. Pregnancy and Infant Loss is often swept to the side in our society because people just don't like death. People don't know what to say when you lose your baby. Providing comfort and education is essential to these families," Katy said.

Please go to the following page to learn more about Katy's efforts: Somewhere Over the Rainbow LLC: A Time for Thanksgiving "Because They Lived" Indiegogo Campaign

Katy asked me to be a part of the pitch video she put together.  For the video, I submitted the following pic:

It reads, "I want to place copies of Because They Lived in doctors' offices and hospitals so women can know it's okay to talk about their losses... Because Angel Lived." - Jamie

Please go to the campaign page and watch the video.  It's not too long, and it really hits home the importance of this cause. 

Today's forget-me-not:  Babies lost too soon.

so it's March

So, it's March.  The month our Angel was due.  I can't remember what the specific due date was.  I just know that this was the month back in July that I thought I would be bringing home a baby.  The baby I thought would complete our family.  God had other plans for that little life...

Well, God and this world. 

I've come to realize that what happened to me back in August, the miscarriage, it happens.  Now, I knew that. I know and knew that it is VERY commonplace.  However, what's taken me some time to wrap my head and heart around is why it happened to me?

The answer?  It's this world!  This fallen, sinful, sick, wrecked world we live in.  Bad things happen - often to good people.  We're the children of Adam and Eve, and this is our problem - we live in a sinful, fallen world.  It's a consequence of who/what we are.  So the fact that I had a miscarriage, well...  for me... the simple truth is that, it happens.  Bad things happen in this world, and no one promised me that I would be exempt from that.  In fact, when I read God's word, it guarantees me that bad things will happen; however, it also guarantees me that my God will be there when they do - carrying me, loving me, healing me, growing me.  And despite the fact that I've been distant at times from Him, I know He's always there for me. 

God didn't cause my miscarriage.  The world, this imperfect world and my imperfect body, caused that miscarriage. Imperfection.  Although, my God allowed it, He didn't cause it - could NEVER cause that!  Sin corrupted this world and us, so my body couldn't handle growing our Angel.  I do believe it saddned my God as much as it did me!  However, like I said before...  He's been with me through my loss.

So that's the answer.  The miscarriage happened to me because miscarriages happen in the world we live in.  For others, there's more of a medical reason as to why a loss happens, something that can be fixed to prevent future losses.  However, for me, that wasn't the case.  Three months later, I became pregnant.  Things have been fine.  And I am now carrying the child that God has chosen to complete our family... 

I do believe that God could have stopped that other loss from happening.  But He didn't.  Partly, I believe that is because He does and must allow bad things to happen.  As I typed earlier, He can't/won't always intervene.  Can I totally wrap my head around that - NO WAY!  However, I know it...

I know that as surely as I know the child I'm carrying now is His will.  I'm reminded of that when I feel him/her kick me - usually at night. ;-)

I guess I just needed to type this all out here as a way to process March.  The month I was expecting Angel but the month we'll discover if it's a boy or girl that will complete our family.  It's a roller coaster month of emotions as far as all that is concerned. 

I'm excited to know the sex of this baby. I feel once we have that information, my real nesting/planning can begin.  :-) 

I'm not typing all this out to somehow say, "I'm over that loss."  No.  That loss, my Angel, will always be a part of me.  I will always strive to remember him/her.  My Angel changed who I am, forever. 

However, the pain has dulled considerably.  I have come to a place of acceptance... I guess that's what you'd call it? 

I needed to type this out... It helps to process my thoughts this way.  Somehow, it makes me less sad.  Leaves me feeling victorious... LOL   

my heart is heavy

I have two friends who are going through the darkness of miscarriage this week.

One of my friends may be experiencing her fourth loss.  She has a beautiful girl, and her heart is set on at least one more.  I know that feeling! Unfortunately, she has had  a hard time getting pregnant, and when she finally did, it ended in a loss.  Then she got pregnant again, fairly quickly, with twins, and lost them both.  And now, well, the doctors don't hold out much hope for her current pregnancy.  Miscarriage once is hard, but miscarriage of four angels... that's just not fair.

Then this morning, I just heard from a friend via facebook that she had to have a DNC yesterday.  :-(  She and I were due around the same time.  She calls her little angel, Rose. 

My heart hurts for my friends.  Mostly because I know there isn't a thing I can do to ease their pain.  Hugz - virtual and real - I can give, but peace, I cannot.

Miscarriage changes you. Enough said.

Here are some videos I found myself watching this morning. Videos I spent a lot of time watching in August of 2010 this past year. 

Crying and remembering my own loss while grieving yours my dear friends...   ((((((((((((hugz)))))))))))

I used to watch this show (General Hospital) but not anymore. Still, this video is powerful. I love the song. For those who've experienced early miscarriage...


For those struggling to get and/or stay pregnant...


For us all...

capturing grief

I'm continuing my journey through Capture Your Grief with Carly Marie. I am enjoying this time of reflection. Any time purposefully spent thinking about Angel brings me joy. Whereas five years ago thoughts of her loss were painful, I can now say that God has given me beauty for those ashes and has turned my mourning into joy. I'm forever blessed being her momma.

The third subject for reflection in this series was IN HONOUR.

When I see those words, I think of the beautiful baby loss mommas I met after my miscarriage who did things in honor of Angel.  Here are two pictures I will forever treasure that they created for me.

The fourth subject was DARK + LIGHT.

This topic reminds me of a post I wrote at a particularly dark time after my miscarriage. Some individuals were saying insensitive things.  I called the post, "I'm okay - don't worry about me!" After reading back over it, I'm thankful to be sharing it here again. I hope it is a light to those in the dark about what to say to someone who experiences the loss of a child.  Check it out. Give it a share.

The fifth subject was EMPATHY.

What is empathy? The dictionary defines this noun as "the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another." You cannot even begin to empathize with a mother who has lost a child unless you have ever lost a child.  You can sympathize, but you cannot empathize. Truly, those that can empathize know best how to respond to someone who has lost a child. I wrote up some suggestions in a post: What can you do when you learn your friend has had a miscarriage? I think these suggestions would apply to any mother who has lost a pregnancy, infant, or young child.  Please read that post. Take it to heart.

The sixth subject was BOOKS.

There was a bible study I joined that was especially helpful to go through after losing Angel. It used a book called Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy.  This book, and that group of ladies, helped me process what the bible, and thus my Jesus, had to say about my miscarriage. I would highly recommend it if you are dealing with a recent loss.

Another book I have to mention is the one I wrote Angel's story for: Because They Lived. For whatever reason, I was drawn to hearing other women's stories about their losses after losing Angel. It helped to know I wasn't alone in my experience and in my grief.  I also recommend that book.

The seventh subject was MEMORY.

For this subject, Carly Marie suggested we share a memory of our child. Angel wasn't here very long, so I don't have much to draw from.  However, my earliest memories surrounding her were joyful and involve when I found out I was pregnant with her. Seeing the positive pregnancy test was particularly exhilarating. I remember being giddy with excitement. She was desperately wanted and dearly loved, still is. Learning I was pregnant with her will forever be one of my greatest moments of happiness in life. 

The eighth subject was WISH LIST.

I can tell you what immediately comes to mind when I think of a personal wish. I wish my friends and my family would make more of an effort to remember Angel. Some do. But many do not. In August, send a message or a card about her passing? In October, do something in honor of her memory?  Those are just a couple ideas. And so I guess my greatest wish of all would be that if someone loses a child to miscarriage, early infant loss, or unexpected tragedy (as some dear friends of mine have endured this past week with the loss of their five year old), that we all just go out of our way to remember the importance of remembering that child - even months or years after he or she is gone. That's my number one wish.

The ninth subject was FAMILY.

My family is Michael, Beth, Hannah, and Angel. It is my in-laws and my relatives. It also encompasses the members of our church, and it extends out to those who care about my well-being and the well-being of those I love.  Life is all about relationships - the greatest of which is the one we have with Jesus. Family is everything. I would do anything for those I consider family.

The tenth subject is WORDS.

For this topic, Carly Marie encouraged us to write whatever is currently on our hearts.

My heart is heavy tonight after the loss of my children's pastor's five year old son, Christian. After going to his viewing, yesterday, and his funeral, today. I'm brokenhearted for his momma and daddy and brothers. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm over loss. I'm ready for Jesus to come and take us all to glory. I am weary of this world.

So many taken far too soon. We will always remember you ALL. Until the day we are together again.

Today's forget-me-not: Christian and his family

Because Angel Lived

Here is the piece I told you about in my previous post.   I'm ready to share it!  Let me know what you think...

Because Angel Lived

Because Angel lived, a voice was born… Let me explain…

It was my 34^th birthday – and one I will never forget.  I was pregnant with our second child, and my husband and I had an appointment that day to see my OBGYN.  I was eager to finally see the baby. At that point, I was only seven weeks pregnant, but that didn’t matter.  We had already started cleaning out the guest room to make room for a new crib just brought home from Babies-r-Us.  My husband and I had talked about possible names for him or her.  At only seven weeks old, this baby was already dearly loved and desperately wanted.  However, my ultrasound that day brought devastating news.

                The baby’s heart rate was slightly slower than the doctor would have liked to see, and he or she was measuring about four or five days too small.  The doctor tried to reassure us that it was probably too early in the pregnancy to determine anything.  She guessed I was most likely not seven weeks along – probably less; although, I knew my timing could not be off.  I could tell; she was concerned.  And after she prescribed some progesterone and asked to see us again in seven days, I knew at that moment we might not ever get to bring our second baby home.

                I was a nervous wreck that entire week. I prayed to my Lord Jesus to save the baby. I cried and begged to be spared the loss of a child. While waiting for the days to pass until my next ultrasound, I read everything I could get my hands on about complications in the first trimester of pregnancies.  I shouldn’t have done that; my quest for knowledge only brought me more anxiety.  And on August 5^th, 2010, I saw our precious angel again  – this time with a still heart. 

                I felt lost and alone. The nurse put me in a room down the hall until the doctor could come and talk with me.  And so I sat there in shock.  And after the doctor came and explained that there could be no way of really knowing why I lost the baby, I cried.  Something in me – praise God – had the presence of mind to ask for one of the ultrasound pictures that had just been taken.  I’m so glad I did that.

I left the office that day with so many questions racing through my mind.  How should I behave? What should I do? What would we tell everyone? How do I grieve? Should I grieve? What had just happened?   I was so confused.

After that tragic ultrasound, I scheduled a DNC, but my body took our angel from me the day before we were to have the procedure. It was over. Our second child had come and gone.  Upon hearing this, most friends and family responded with statements such as, “It’s normal. Happens all the time to many women” or “I’m sure you’ll get pregnant again soon.”  Others tried to reassure me by saying, “It (the miscarriage) was probably a blessing in disguise. There must have been something wrong.” And still others admonished me to trust in God and His perfect will. 

Although the above comments may help some women deal with the pain of miscarriage, these attempts to comfort me – surprisingly - only angered me. I wanted to cry out in response, “I don’t want to get pregnant again soon with another baby! I want THIS baby!” Or better yet, “Please don’t tell me the death of my child was a blessing in disguise! Really!?” But even more than that, I wanted to understand how something so horrible, so physically and emotionally painful, could have ever been my loving God’s perfect will for me and my baby. I felt as if I was lost in a terrible blizzard, and I could not find my way out.

My family and friends only wanted to comfort me during my time of grief, and those aforementioned words were all they could think to say.  Despite my frustration, I understood the comments after my loss were coming from those who had good intentions.  I knew this to be true because before my loss, I had offered up those same condolences to friends of mine who had experienced miscarriages.  At that time, I didn’t know how to comfort a woman who had just experienced the loss of a baby.  Nothing in our society teaches us how to help a loved one move through the darkness that is pregnancy or infant loss; on the contrary, society encourages baby loss mommas (BLMs) to grieve quickly and quietly while everyone surrounding that poor soul is to never again broach the subject of that loss with the affected person – ever again.  Miscarriage…early infant loss…it’s a taboo subject.   

After my loss, life continued on as if nothing of any significance had happened.  After all, I would be pregnant again soon, right? Time to move on. I slowly realized that is what everyone wanted me to do. They expected it.  Move on, Jamie.  Don’t talk about it. What’s done is done.

That is when I realized, I couldn’t just move on. My baby had lived.  She – as I’ve come to believe the baby was a girl – lived. Angel – as my husband and I named her – lived.  And her story – our story – needed to be shared.  Ultimately, I knew what I had to do.  I needed to share Angel and share what I had learned through my experience…

Because Angel lived, I had a realization that the society in which we live is one that forces the unrealistic expectation of silent grieving upon women when it comes to the loss of a pregnancy to miscarriage or still birth.  And so because she lived, I have shared Angel’s story – the story of my loss – on my blog, in my church, and amongst my friends and family.  I have shared our story with the hope that perhaps one day women – mothers - won’t feel as if they must hide their grief and thus hide their children which were lost too soon.  

Because Angel lived, a voice was born. The voice of a woman who now admonishes fellow grieving women to no longer suffer in silence but to reach out for emotional support and to honor the lives of their beloved children with their own voices. So if you are reading this and have been through the pain of a miscarriage, still birth, or early infant loss, I encourage you to share your grief surrounding your loss, to share your story, and so share your child.  In this way, perhaps we can change the current “off-limits” status on this subject to one of “open-discussion.”  So that if someone suffers a loss, we – everyone - may know how to best comfort her.  So that the mother who has just lost a child can acknowledge her grief and heal more freely.  And so that the children lost too soon can be honored and remembered.   Because they lived.

Psalm 139:13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

My Story - My Loss

My name is Jamie. I'm a high school English teacher, speech team coach, mother to a 3.5 year old girl named Beth, and married to the most caring, understanding, giving man alive! Praise the Lord, I was saved the summer before my senior year in high school. I've been growing in the Lord since then; however, He rocked my world on August 4th of this year when I saw on an ultrasound that our baby, that was supposed to be 8 weeks, was only measuring 6 weeks. Also that day, the heart I had seen beating on my birthday just a week before had stopped beating...


Let me back up a little. My husband and I always knew we wanted 2 children, knew (and still know) that God had that plan for us. We started praying when Beth was 3 as to when we should start on baby number 2 - then one morning in my quiet time, my girl awoke and caught me praying. :-) She knelt beside me and said, "Watcha doing mommy?" I replied, "Praying." She paused, thought about that, then commanded, "Well, pray!" So with her kneeling beside me I started to pray that we would be good and Jesus would be pleased with us... then my child breaks in and says, "Jesus, please give my mommy a baby!" Well, needless to say, we had our answer. We started to try to conceive...

In July, we saw a positive pregnancy test! On my birthday, July 26, we went in for the first ultrasound at 7 weeks and knew something was wrong... we could see a heartbeat, a sac, but not much else. The doctor asked if my timing could be off... if maybe I wasn't as far along as I had thought... However, I knew my timing wasn't off. She took some blood, and we started the wait and see game.

The blood revealed that I had low progesterone, so she put me on prometrium. Everything I read online said prometrium prescribed during the 7th week was more like a last ditch effort to save a miscarriage - and it rarely works. I was so worried, but I hung on to every shred of hope I could find! However, as stated above, on Wednesday, Aug. 4th, via ultrasound, we saw the baby had developed some more, but there was no heartbeat. I had started spotting, cramping some, and the very next day I had my miscarriage.

The bleeding was awful! I had taught school that day, in immense pain! The tylenol was taking the edge off though. However, when I got home from work, sat down on the toliet, a lot of blood and clots fell from me... I knew it was the baby. I cried, tried to compose myself cause my daughter was home, called the doctor, and she had me come in for an ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage. The ultrasound showed that everything was on it's way out... no more baby... nothing... The D&C we had scheduled for tomorrow was cancelled. My body, my God, had taken care of what He had started.

I would just love to know why - even though I know I'll never really know in this life. I'm hoping to draw some comfort from His holy word. Life after the miscarriage has been tough. Two days after it, I caught a stomach virus, then I got dehydrated, and then when I tried to return to work after being out for so long, I had a panic attack before school had even started - dizziness and light headedness. It's only now, over 3 weeks later, that I can say physically, I'm getting back to my old self... emotionally, getting better.

I'm different. We're different. We'll never be the same. I miss my baby. We memorialized him/her by buying a special box we put the ultrasound pictures in. We had it engraved, "God Bless our Little Angel - August 5, 2010" I also have purchased a forget-me-not necklace in the baby's memory. These things give me comfort in those few moments I have where I still need to cry. I don't know when we'll try to conceive again, but I do know that a new baby will never replace the one we lost.

Praying healing for everyone who has experienced a loss!
Jamie

The Wave of Light 2015

I am continuing my journey through Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief. Will you journey with me?

The eleventh subject was GLOW IN THE WOODS.

Glow In The Woods is a blog written by baby loss mommas that helped Carly Marie after her loss, so she encouraged us to write about our "Glow In The Woods." I didn't have just one site but many websites that I kept up with that year following my loss. Each of the ladies behind those sites played a role in helping me navigate my early grief. This post from September 28, 2010, listed some of those sites. A few of the links don't work anymore, but some of the blogs are still maintained. Irregardless, I will always remember those ladies, and I hope to hear from all of them again one day. Thankfully, I keep in touch with a couple of those baby loss mommas via Facebook - you know who you are ;-)

The twelfth subject was NORMALIZING GRIEF.

Here is the premise for this topic: "Often while grieving we have feelings of isolation because we fear judgement that what we are feeling isn't normal. But it is amazing to see just how many people feel the same way. When others stand up and express how they feel through sharing their experiences, it allows us to say, "Hey, I feel that way too!" With this topic, Carly Marie has urged us to share something about our grief journey that we may feel is not common but most likely is.

Here is my true confession: sometimes, I'm hesitant to talk about Angel, and I hate that. I guess I pause to speak about her because I think many people find it weird that we gave the baby we lost at eight weeks a name. I think they also find it weird that I go out of my way to do things to remember her. My perception is that most people see an early miscarriage as a thing to be moved on from and not an actual child that was lost. This often confuses me because most of my friends claim to be pro-life and support that cause; yet, when someone loses a baby to miscarriage, she and her family are encouraged to move on. You certainly don't give that baby a name and memorialize the child in any way. Yet, that is what we did. That is what I do. It's a way to honor and remember that child, and it is a way to grieve her. I just wish it wasn't seen as "weird." Maybe it isn't?

The thirteenth subject is REGRETS + TRIGGERS.

I don't really have any regrets concerning my grief - aside from what I said above about being hesitant to say Angel's name, but I do have some grief triggers. August 5th is one of those triggers. The start of August always finds me back in the classroom, and on August 5th, I find my brain can't help but go back to that day when Angel slipped from my body. It remains an emotional day for me.

Also, whenever I hear that a friend has experienced a loss of a child - whether it be by an early miscarriage or, like recently, through some tragedy a young child is taken - my loss is lived all over again. Now, don't get me wrong, I would never equate my loss to anyone's loss, each is different. However, the loss of a child, whatever the age, is the loss of a child, and the loss of one's flesh and blood is painful. Period. And whenever a friend has to endure that, I feel the pain of losing Angel all over again.

The fourteenth subject is EXPRESS YOUR HEART.

For this subject, Carly Marie offers an opportunity to write about whatever is on your heart or mind. The subject that instantly pops into my mind is that of the caregivers. These are the people who go out of their way to be there for you after your loss. I want to give a shout out to them! They don't shy away from your grief. Instead, they want to share in it. And let me tell you, it's a great way to acknowledge the life of the child that was lost. If you are ever so unfortunate to know someone who loses a child, be a caregiver, You can never have enough! I'm so thankful for the friend who made my family a huge meal just a few days after my miscarriage. I'm also thankful for my mother-in-law who did a variety of things to acknowledge and honor Angel's life. I can't say enough about caregivers. LOVE YOU!

The fifteenth subject - today's subject - is THE WAVE OF LIGHT!

I look forward to participating in the wave of light every year. It's the second time of year - August 5th being the other time - that I light Angel's special candle in memory of her and in honor of all babies lost too soon. Tonight, I am also burning a candle for five year old Christian, lost this night a week ago.

Please, participate with us - whether you are a beavered parent or not. Show your support for those that have lost their beloved children. Show that you remember him or her too. And let me thank you ahead of time for doing it!

Today's forget-me-not: Babies lost too soon - no mater the gestation or age.

miscarriage bible study - meeting #1

Wow... what an amazing group of women I just met.  Women desiring to be closer to our savior.  Women wanting answers, needing peace.  I already love each and every one of them!

Tonight was the first meeting of the miscarriage bible study I joined.  A lady named Amy - you can read her story here http://www.lightofgabriel.org/ - leads the meeting.  We are using the book Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy - and I'm going to start on it tonight. 

This evening, we just shared our stories.  My voice shook as I shared mine, as I remembered the joy when we found out we were pregnant... the fear on my birthday when we found out something was wrong... the horror the day my baby passed from me... 

I shared that I'm hoping this bible study will lead me closer to my Jesus, closer to understanding why, closer to knowing when/if we should try again... I just want Him to speak to me, and my prayer is Jesus shows up in a mighty way for all these women who shared their stories tonight.

There are so many grieving out there!  So many suffering from this pain of losing a child to miscarriage or to an early death after birth.  I really think God may call me to share/lead this study within my own church.  I'm hoping He'll confirm that to me if this is the case.

Anyway, I've cried tonight, and I'm sure I will now every Sunday evening as we grieve and share our losses.  It's a good thing.  We're changed, forever... We need now to find a new "normal".  One that I'm praying for all of us involved in this study will make us stronger - for Him - for those around us - one that will honor those babies that we've lost.

When you say your prayers, say a prayer for our group.  Thank you! 

Baby Bean

Two things to share today...

1 - Lisa Ling is speaking out about her miscarriage.  She's doing this to raise awareness about miscarriage, but she is also trying to make this subject less taboo.  I love this!  It's one of the things I hope to do by talking about my miscarriage with others and not hiding it.  Take the time to read this article.  Lisa - You go girl!

2 -  Gotta get back to something I've neglected lately...

FORGET-ME-NOT FRIDAY

Something I don't want to forget... hearing the beautiful sound of a perfect heart beat. Let me introduce you to baby bean. :-)

I'm funny!

Last night was the second meeting of the miscarriage bible study I've joined. Can I say, I already love each of these women sooo much! We haven't even really gotten into the study yet, and I'm thinking, "When can we get together?!" We could choose a place in the middle of the great United States of America and just meet some time next year! I think that would be awesome!

Anyway, we had a great moment last night that I just need to blog about - one I don't want to forget (me not) :-)

We were looking at that portion of the old testament where David loses the son he had with Bathsheba...

2 Samuel 12:15 After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife had borne to David, and he became ill. 16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. 17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

18 On the seventh day the child died. David's servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, "While the child was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate."

19 David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked.
"Yes," they replied, "he is dead."

20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.

Well, the servants are a bit perplexed at this and ask him why he's acting this way - after all, his son just died!? But David doesn't seem to see a problem with this saying...

22 He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."

Many see this verse and say, "See, yes you've experienced a terrible loss, but you just need to move on now."

May I give you a word of advice... DON'T EVER TELL THAT TO SOMEONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCED A MISCARRIAGE OR EARLY INFANT LOSS! Don't use scripture to tell me how to grieve!

However, some do, and they use the above to highlight how we (who have experienced such a loss) should act after that loss. In fact, some women really struggle with this scripture.

But - here's the funny part - while we were discussing this last night, I felt God lay an interpretation of this verse on my heart...

I think God put this in the Bible to show us how differently men and women react to a miscarriage/early infant loss. Because, this is totally a man's response! It's a ... "Okay, yeah, really sad thing happened to us... what next?" That's a man!

After I suggested that, the women in the bible study were shouting AMEN and we had a lot of LOL for a few minutes - they were totally feeling what I meant! Anyway, all that typed to say, I really think that God is showing us here how differently men and women grieve. We are different; it's okay. Let him be, and he should let you be. And when you need each other, then be together.

Michael and I have both had our separate grieving moments and our together ones. Understandably, I cried more - I'm a woman after all - can you say HoRmOnEs!!! And just when I think he's moved on, so to speak, he'll say something that shows me he still thinks of our lost baby. I love him!

Well, I just had to share that ROTFLOL moment. ;-) I keep telling my high school students that I'm sooo funny; they just don't believe me!

I think I missed my calling in life... Anita Renfroe, watch out!

Bring on the ice cream!!!

I'm in a mood right now - I'm moody

It all started this weekend when I realized that the necklace I bought to remember the baby we lost - a forget-me-not necklace with gemstones that hang off it to mark the month the baby was conceived and then the month the baby was lost - this necklace has STILL not arrived in the mail yet!  I ordered it not long after the first of the month.  I had even received an e-mail saying that it was in the mail on the 18th.  Well, it's the 29th.  Ten days to ship a necklace?!  I don't think so!  So, I've e-mailed the company, but of course it says on their website that it could take up to 9-14 business days to get to me.  However, I've bought things online before - all the websites say that - but it never takes THIS long to get to me!  I just WANT IT!  I lost the baby; I don't want to lose the necklace too!

Then... I've got this vase.  It was filled with flowers that work had sent me when I was at home recovering from the miscarriage.  It was one of the few things that made me smile that week.  Well, the flowers are dead :-(  So, I decided that I wanted to fill the vase with... you guessed it... forget-me-nots.  It would be a nice tribute to have around.  So, I went to Michaels not too long ago to get some forget-me-nots (the plastic kind that do not die) only to have the sales lady tell me that they aren't in season right now so they don't carry them :-(((  Which means I'm going to have an empty vase until spring.  EMPTY - like my womb right now.

I just want something more to remember the baby.  We did buy this nice box that has the baby's ultrasound pics in it. I light a candle next to it almost every day.  It makes me feel better.

But I need more right now.  After going to find out of season forget-me-nots didn't work, I went to the christian bookstore in search of books on pregnancy loss - and found NOTHING.  Goose egg!  Then I went to Books-A-Million.  And I know there must have been something there, but I couldn't find it.  And I wasn't about to ask a sales clerk, "Hey, do you know where the books on miscarriage are?"  FORGET IT!  I wandered down the isles searching for something, anything I could maybe read and get comfort from... then I stumbled down the baby book isle... and got really dizzy. 

So, I left there, and went to Wal-Mart.  I got my Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Brownie Chunk ice cream!  And now, I  plan on emotionally eating the entire pint!  I can do it, too!! While contemplating writing a book about miscarriage, cause it makes me mad that the christian book store had nothing there. 

Bring on the ice cream!

first angelversary

I found the above pic on a facebook miscarriage and pregnancy loss page.  It accompanied this poem...

Remembering...

Go ahead and mention my Child,
The one that died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my Child knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing, I say "pretty good" or "fine"
but healing is something ongoing. I feel it will take a lifetime.
-Author Unknown

I can't imagine not remembering my Angel today.  I HAVE TO!  I'm her mom!  It would be wrong not to remember my baby.  But, oh, how I have an urge for others to remember her today also...

Yet, something prevents me from posting about today on Facebook... something even prevents me from reminding my husband about what today is...  I will remember our Angel today, but who else will?  Is this something I should do by myself?  I don't know how to do this...

So I woke up this morning and lit Angel's candle next to the memory box containing her ultrasound photos.

I looked at the photos and cried a little. It brings back so many memories of today...  As I wrote in my story...

"The bleeding was awful! I had taught school that day, in immense pain! The Tylenol was taking the edge off though. However, when I got home from work, sat down on the toilet, a lot of blood and clots fell from me... I knew it was the baby. I cried, tried to compose myself cause my daughter was home, called the doctor, and she had me come in for an ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage. The ultrasound showed that everything was on it's way out... no more baby... nothing... The D&C we had scheduled for the next day was cancelled. My body - my God, had taken care of what He had started."

What an AWFUL day it was - August 5th last year.  Just. AWFUL!

But today, a year later, things are very different.  The grief is still there.  The loss.  Oh, how I miss that baby so much!  When I look at Hannah laying here beside me now as I type this, I feel acutely what I lost that day.

But then I think of what I gained.  A community of great friends I would have never found otherwise - yep, that's you guys! :-)  And, of course, Hannah.  We always knew we wanted only two children.  I would have stopped trying to have kids after having my Angel, had she lived.  So Hannah would have never been. 

Oddly enough, that thought kinda fills me with an excitement.  God chose to take my Angel to be with Him, to praise and worship Him for now, while Hannah instead filled the gap in our incomplete family.  Hannah is special, in a different way than my Angel.  She holds much promise for the future, my little rainbow.  These thoughts make me happy.

Yet, even so, I wish I hadn't had to experience August last year.  Life is so changed... I'm so changed......

klarsen put it so well on her new blog she so aptly entitled Broken Yet Whole:

Broken. I have a daughter in Heaven. Hannah Katherine. She is missing. She came and left on September 21, 2009. Her absence leaves me broken.
Yet Whole.
Bobby is my little man. He is sweet, smart, witty and full of love. He is the most gentle and articulate 3 and a half year old I know. He is all boy. He was born March 30, 2008.
Ellie is my beautiful rainbow. She is wild and adventurous, curious and without fear. She lives up to her nickname "The Beast". Her smile is contagious and she lights up our lives. She was born December 18, 2010.

And that is what I am now. Broken, yet whole.  Broken by the loss of my Angel, but whole with Beth and Hannah and my wonderful husband.

And if that is how my God wants me, then here I am!

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:3

2 Corinthians 12:9 
But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

So, yes, I'm broken, yet whole.  Christ makes me whole. Thanks, klarsen, for reminding me of that today.  And of how beautiful that is. 

Happy First Angelversary - Angel Wills

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy. Psalm 30:11

Finding Acceptance

I just read my last post and thought, "Wow, it kinda sounds like I'm okay with having had a miscarriage."  Here's some of what I wrote in that post...

Then I'll thank Jesus for having held this little one for the short 8 weeks that I got, and I'll thank Him for how he/she has changed my life (for better and worse) because He's using it to improve me and to help others. 

Let me just say, I'm not okay with having had a miscarriage.  And like I said in my last post, the sadness still comes... However, when I read that - and what I hope others see in what I posted when they read it is - I see acceptance. 

Now, acceptance doesn't mean you are okay with something.  Acceptance is kind of like... um... searching for word... resignation?  In a way?  Yeah, I think that's it.  I've resigned myself to my new reality.  To God's reality for me - which in my heart I know is the better one but in my head I'll never comprehend it. 

So, I'm at that stage in the whole grief process of acceptance.  Now, if I could just find acceptance with TTC - that is trying to conceive.

I've been temping - that is taking my basal body temperature in the morning, and yesterday I bought an OPK - ovulation predictor kit - because my chart seemed to have spiked... well, I got, what I think, is a positive OPK. :-)  I'm happy that it looks like I ovulated.  I was worried about that - whether or not I ovulated - last month when I didn't get pregnant.  Actually, I think I'm ovulating sooner than my "normal" which is why I missed the egg last month.  I'm no longer at typical 28 day cycle.

However, Michael and I have been like rabbits every other day since my period ended and are continuing on that trend for this next week because... I REALLY WANT A BFP BEFORE HALLOWEEN!!!  And, I'm pretty sure I'll get it - God willing that is! ;-)

In fact, there's where I need to find acceptance now.  I need to accept it is ultimately under God's control whether or not an egg is fertilized and sticks... and... stays...

Facebook Status:  Praying for acceptance of His timing and will in my life!

Fatigue and Fears

I'm tired.

Yes, I know... It's the end of a long day; we're all tired. But - I'm tired! Like, exhausted and can hardly think tired. And it's freaking me out :-(

With the passing of each successive AF, fatigue seems to grip me more fiercely every month. Last night, I went to bed at 8:30pm ya'll - 8:30pm! And as soon as I get done typing this and peeking at facebook, I'm going to go to bed - 9:00pm.

Hubby wanted to watch a movie again tonight, but again, I've told him I'm going to bed. I could hardly hold my eyes open tonight during Brother George's sermon. I've never almost fallen asleep during preaching! Yet, it seems to be getting more difficult to stay awake. And he's not the kinda preacher where you would WANT to fall asleep!

Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm sure you didn't want to read a post about how tired I am when I'm sure you are too. But this unusual extreme fatigue has me worried about me. It's crossed my mind that maybe I should go see my OB. For a few reasons...

1. extreme fatigue since the miscarriage - I should just eat more veggies and suck it up, right?

2. a normal low B12 - my regular physician diagnosed me with this after the miscarriage, but I'm afraid to take the extra B12 supplements on top of my prenatals because, well, would that be too much B12 vitamin? Best just to not take it - it's a normal low - don't stress, right?

3. a different AF - I won't gross you out with details, but it's different. But it's going to be different, right? I shouldn't bother her with that... right?  It'll get back to the way it was, right?

See... just when I think about calling her, I talk myself out of it.  I don't really want to go back to that office right now anyway.  I was kinda hoping the next time I saw her would be because I'm pregnant.  I should just give this all more time... right?

night night ya'll